away. Get the demons out of your head, and their voices.” She was making a strong case for Hattie remaining a nun, and even though she felt guilty leaving, she wasn’t sure that she wanted to stay. “You’ve been on a roller-coaster ride for the past few months, finding your sister’s daughter, the sexual harassment accusations, and your rape surfacing. That was the catalyst that brought you in here, seeking safety. It’s not what made you stay.”
“I don’t know what made me stay,” she said, looking miserable again. “I’ve never wanted children, now I even wonder about that. I’m probably too old. But I suddenly realize that I’ve spent nearly twenty years as a nun and now I’m not sure I should ever have been one. It’s an unnatural life. And the people who make the decisions far above us in the Church are just humans like us. What if their decisions are wrong? I think I want to be an ordinary person, not a nun, but just a nurse.”
“We are ordinary people, and yes, the Church does make mistakes. But they make good decisions too. There will always be some rotten apples in the barrel, in every situation, every group. But don’t forget there are good apples too. You’re one of them. A very good apple. I don’t want to see you give that up.”
“What if it’s wrong for me?” Hattie tried to plead her case, but the superior wasn’t swayed.
“Why would it be wrong now?” the superior challenged her, her eyes looking deep into Hattie’s. “Who turned you against this life of ours? You need to look at that.” They both knew Fiona Eckles had. Mother Elizabeth was fighting for her soul. And suddenly for the first time in eighteen years, Hattie wanted freedom. For more than just a year. She didn’t want the equivalent of a trial separation. She wanted a divorce.
“I’ll think about it,” Hattie said, looking anguished. She kissed the superior’s ring, left the office, and hurried off to work. She called her sister that night and told her what had happened.
“Why do you have to go to Africa? Why can’t you work with the poor here?” Hattie was exasperated. The mother superior didn’t want her to leave the religious order. And her sister didn’t want her to leave New York.
“I was happy there,” Hattie said, annoyed.
“Can’t you be happy here? Africa is dangerous, you could get sick or injured, or caught in an uprising of some kind. I don’t want you killed.”
“I’d rather be dead than wasting my life. And I’m beginning to think that’s what I’m doing here. I came in under false pretenses. I don’t belong here, Mel.”
“I’ve been telling you that for eighteen years. And now you believe me and want to leave. I don’t want to lose you, Hattie. You’re all I have.”
“You have Michaela now,” she reminded her.
“That’s not the same. You and I have history, our whole lives. Michaela is brand new.”
“She won’t be new forever. You’ll make a history with her. I need to do this. Africa is the only place where I felt I did some good.” Melissa didn’t know what to say to that. Hattie sounded frustrated.
“Just don’t rush into anything. This is a huge decision. You rushed into the convent. Now don’t rush out.”
“I said I’d think about it some more, and I will.” But she didn’t like the options. All of a sudden Hattie felt like she was in jail and wanted to be free. And it was ironic that, after years of opposition, now Melissa was encouraging her to stay in the order and remain a nun.
She stayed up late, reading and praying that night, and got nowhere.
Hattie knew she had done a good thing finding Michaela, but everything had changed when she did. Not only for Melissa and for Michaela, but for herself too. And in her case, not for the better. Michaela had been found. But she felt lost now.
* * *
—
Melissa was worried about her, and talked to Norm that night. He could see how upset Melissa was about her sister, although he wasn’t sure why. Hattie sounded like an intelligent woman and he trusted her to make the right decision.
“Would it be so terrible if she left the convent? I thought you weren’t happy about her being a nun.” He was confused by her reaction, after what she’d said when they first met.
“I wasn’t happy. Her going into the convent made no sense to me