but can I? Here, in this moment, there are so many things I want to do to him, but when it comes to tomorrow and how I’ll be feeling then, I have no idea what’s going to happen, and it’s unfair of me to ask him to do anything more when I can’t give him a clear answer.
“That’s fair,” I say.
He flops back onto his pillow and then rolls away from me. A coldness fills the gap between our bodies, and our breathing is the only sound in the dark room.
I want to say something, but I don’t have the right words. No words in the English language could adequately describe what that was.
My cock aches, but telling him I have a major case of blue balls could either help this situation or make things worse. This isn’t really about sex.
Denny’s breathing is uneven, and there’s this tension rolling off him, letting me know he’s not asleep.
“Denny?”
“Mm?”
“I …” I what? I really liked kissing you. I wasn’t expecting to like it so much. I want to do it again.
All of the above.
I went into that half expecting Denver to realize he was wrong, not the other way around. I’m glad to be wrong, but at the same time I’m not. Because I’m no closer to working out what has changed between us.
I can only accept that something has.
“Uh, goodnight,” I mutter.
“Night.”
Yep. I’m definitely not getting any sleep.
Chapter Fifteen
Denver
I had no idea my self-preservation instincts were stronger than my need to get off, but apparently, they are.
I shouldn’t have even kissed him, and I know I’ll regret it come daylight. Which will be soon because there’s no way I can sleep after that, and I’ve been staring at the bathroom door ever since. Without a doubt, if I rolled over, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from touching him.
Kissing him.
Heartache be damned.
Mason’s mouth is as strong and confident as he is. His touch is as warm as his heart.
If I was confused years ago, I’m not now.
I’ve been in love with Mason Nash for close to ten years. Nothing compares to being with him even if we’re just hanging out. And that’s why I had to stop kissing him. Because as desperate as I am to be closer to him, to explore his body with my tongue, and do many, many things I’ve only ever fantasized about, I know if I didn’t stop it, I’d be in so deep I’d never recover from it if he walked away.
If it had gone any further, everything would’ve become real. My hopes would get too high. I’d be devastated beyond measure when he inevitably says he can’t love me like that.
Everything inside me wants to take the only chance I might get to be with Mason, but there’s the tiny piece of my heart that knows the truth. He kissed me because he was hoping I’d hate it and have some big revelation. That suddenly, I’d pull back and say, Huh, I do only see you as a brother.
News flash and no shock here: it only made me want him more.
I should get a medal for pulling away.
When the breaking light of dawn filters in through the small gap in the curtains, I slip out of bed to make a break for the house.
“You didn’t get any sleep either?” Mason’s groggy voice makes me pause.
I turn to find him slowly sitting up and running a hand over his beard.
“You’ve been awake this whole time?” I ask.
“Yeah … been thinking. Trying to organize the jumbled thoughts in my head.” That hand runs over his black hair now, and while it’s trendier how he’s cut it, I kinda miss the longer hair. It suited him.
“I’ll go make us two really big cups of coffee,” I say.
Mason’s mouth tips upward on one side, giving a sexy half-smile.
My heart gallops and then skips a beat because I’m picturing things I shouldn’t be. Like waking up next to him every day. Making coffee for both of us indefinitely.
But like I told him last night, he needs to process it first.
Ironically, it’s all I can think about. All. Fucking. Day.
Today should’ve been the shortest shoot of them all seeing as the contestants get one chance to perform their song for me and Mason. But, again, they blindside me by saying that’s what we’re telling the audience. We’re actually going to do as many takes as we can until we get the perfect performance out of each and every act.
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