be moved.”
“Moved?” I questioned and the man nodded. “Afraid so. We have to keep that one at bay a little bit longer, then you can go home.”
“I don’t want to go with her!” I was very adamant about that.
“Sasha is not your home,” he assured me and made me wonder if the Ever person he had spoken of before was my home. It felt like the truth when I thought her name again.
Chapter 16
Letters from Lucy
Lucy
I only had one more letter left to read. Somehow, I’d managed to go through the hundreds that he had written to me over the years. There really had been one in there for every single day we’d ever been separated. I was saving the last one though, because I decided that there was something I needed to do too. Reading through all those letters brought me closer to CJ. It brought me to a place where I felt I knew him better, where my heart was a little more his. My family would receive the same thing from me before I left this world.
So, I sat and penned a letter to each of my children. Within them was also a little something for my grandchildren too. When I said I wrote to each of my children, I meant it, Toby was included in that. I’m not sure why my heart compelled me to write to him as well. It just didn’t seem right to leave him out, even if he could never read it himself.
Once I was done, they were put aside and my letter to CJ flowed from my fingertips onto the page with ease, because I knew my heart and the parts I wanted to share with him.
CJ,
You have been many things to me over the years. You were once my sweet and sexy biker boy who first made me understand what it felt like to be a woman. To be wanted, cherished, and not seen just as a trophy someone might win, but as their partner. Then you grew into the man who loved me so hard, so fiercely that I was duped into believing you would do something to jeopardize that. I know it doesn’t sound possible, but your love was so complete and unwavering that, to my youth and uncertainty, it read as impossible. Then you were my lover, my children’s father, and my champion always. I’ve been disappointed a few times over the years, you never failed me. We failed one another from time to time, but after reading your letters, I think I realize what we’ve been fighting against for most of our relationship. We were fighting against ourselves more than each other.
The whole time, you had your dad and his mistakes, riding your back. Then you had what happened to you all those years ago. The self-doubt and self-loathing you carried away from that experience rode you hard too, babe. It ate at your heart and pushed you to do things out of character for you.
I had my parents’ mistakes, the secret of my birth, feeling unwanted, and never in control of anything. Those things made me see the world in a different light for a while too. What happened to us over the years, being betrayed by someone I spent my life building a friendship with, made me lose faith in people. It made me lose faith in you too, but more importantly, I lost faith in myself and it allowed for doubt and fear to rule where truth and understanding should have won.
You see, we both made mistakes. Both of us were to blame for every single failing in our union, but we were also meant to take credit for all of our triumphs too, my love. That’s something I rarely saw you do in your letters. We didn’t always get things right, but when we messed up, we always, ALWAYS put them back together again in the end. Toby’s death lies in the hands of evil people who did horrible things. No matter if we had taken different paths, I believe it was still something that could have happened. The more important thing was that while he was here with us on this Earth, you were an amazing father. You loved him from the moment you saw him and that love has never wavered. You doted on and adored our daughter and in turn she became the beautiful, accomplished woman she is today. She’s a brilliant mother, and that is down to the