when I was fucked in the head over that entire situation. I lost enough of her. I’d give almost anything to have Toby back with us, but she isn’t a sacrifice I’m willing to make for that to happen. I’d give myself so that he could be here with all of you though. If God were willing, I swear it to you, I would give myself to bring him back to you.
I don’t know where we’ll go from here, if you can ever forgive me. I can barely stand to see my own reflection right now, so I need you to know that I don’t blame you for hating me. You should. My fuckups have cost us enough over the years. What am I saying? They cost us too much, far too much. I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry, Toby. Please, forgive me.
For what it’s worth, you still have all my love until there are no more breaths in my body and then beyond that.
CJ
I had to get up and go to the bathroom. I tucked the letter into a drawer and hopped into the shower. It was the only way to hide the fact that I was sobbing uncontrollably. That letter. I should have saved that one for while he was gone. I don’t know how long I just stood there letting the water mix with my tears and wash them down, but I was startled to feel a hand on my shoulder.
“Lucy, love, are you okay?”
I nodded my head and then cuddled into his naked body. I often felt a little ill at ease about the way my body had aged, while his had stayed so firm. The tell-tale gray hairs everywhere were one thing, but CJ was determined to stay fit right up until the day he left this mortal world. Then there was me, with the slight baby pouch I never could get rid of and the faded reminders of the people I had brought into the world. Just thinking about that made me start bawling all over again.
“Please, tell me what’s wrong.”
“I don’t know,” I cried into his chest as he just held me there, rubbing my back under the fall of water from our shower. “I was just thinking about Toby and I don’t know why it’s so fresh today,” I lied.
“My lovely little liar, I saw you reading one of the letters. It was about him, yeah?”
“You were awake?”
He didn’t answer, just kissed the top of my head. “You know, I didn’t write those for you to read now. They’re for after I’m gone.”
“What if I’m gone first?”
“That’s never going to happen if I can help it. Do you really want to torture yourself with pieces of our past that weren’t all that great?”
“It’s not really torture,” I told him and when he scoffed, I bit his nipple to get him to stop and listen to me. “It’s usually not. Today, the letter I was reading, it was just hard. No matter how long it has been, that ache from losing our boy is still so visceral when I allow myself to go there.”
“I know,” he agreed. “I love you, Luce. I’d still give up my place here to bring him back to you.”
“There’s no doubt in my heart that you would. It was never your fault, you know? I should have made sure you knew I didn’t think that.”
“Luce,” he started, but I stopped his words and continued on to say my peace.
“No, listen. I know what I said to you back then. There were awful things I put on your shoulders that should have never weighed you down like that. It wouldn’t have mattered. Once you guys got Crow’s confession, that should have been evident. The woman, she didn’t matter. Yes, she was off her rocker, but she wasn’t the one who came up with the plan. That was all on Crow and none of you could have seen that coming.”
“Seems like we focused a lot on what the whores took from us over the years, but we never really acknowledged that the club itself played a bigger part in all that. Every time I lost you, it was a club brother at the head of things orchestrating that shit. I don’t know what it was about our chapter of the club back then, but there was a rot inside of it. That’s part of the reason I need to find Deck and bring him back. He cleaned all that