I’m going to stop talking now.’
‘You don’t have to! Do you want to come and sit with me?’ I’d gone and surprised myself again.
He seemed slightly taken aback at the invitation and I sensed he was about to say no, so I grabbed his arm and pulled him towards my table. ‘Pleeeease? I’m bored. And surely it beats lurking around back there all by yourself?’
Devon muttered something as he reluctantly slumped into the chair opposite mine. It sounded like ‘I wasn’t lurking’.
And so there we were: me and my boyfriend’s little brother. Hanging out. Sitting in the library, chatting. Well, semi-whispering actually. The initial awkward weirdness disappeared sooner than I would have expected. Slowly but surely Devon came out of his shell of shyness. He had a lot to say, which shouldn’t have surprised me, but did. He agreed with me about Jane Austen, and hated both Brontës too. Our conversation was pretty much confined to books at first, but little by little we moved onto other subjects.
It turned out we felt the same about a lot of things. We talked about music and compared the worst songs on our iPods. He told me about a song he thought I’d like and we listened to it, our heads huddled together, one headphone each. Being so close, I couldn’t help but notice that he smelled really, really good. The song was beautiful.
My hangover was forgotten. And if I wasn’t mistaken, a slight flirtatiousness had crept into my voice, without me even noticing. He had a cute smile – a little bit crooked. I liked it.
The bell went, and I decided to skip history. Devon looked at his watch briefly but carried on talking. I wondered if he was missing a lesson too. He’d probably never missed one in his life.
We talked all afternoon and it felt like the most normal thing in the world. It had gone four o’clock by the time the librarian kicked us out. I packed my neglected copy of Emma into my bag. ‘Well, I suppose I’d better get going. I said I’d meet Sal in town after school.’ This was the first mention of either Sal or Nat. And the mere mention of her name seemed to break whatever spell we were under.
‘Right, yeah, I’d better get home … things to do, you know … It was fun though – talking to you, I mean. You’re different …’ Every ounce of awkwardness was back – and then some.
I nodded, not altogether sure what to say to that. ‘Yeah, well, thanks for this afternoon. You saved me from Death by Boredom.’
‘Any time.’ Devon smiled, but it was a slight, tight sort of smile. He looked me in the eyes for the longest time. I couldn’t look away; I didn’t want to look away. He was the first to break eye contact. He looked down and fiddled with the straps on his bag. If I hadn’t seen his lips move, I’d have hardly believed what I heard next.
‘What do you see in him?’
I don’t know what to think about Ethan.
He’s fading.
I’m starting to give up hope.
Hope. I’m not even sure what I’m hoping for any more.
What do you see in him? The words were tinged with bitterness.
‘What did you say?’ I’d heard all too clearly, but I really didn’t know how else to respond.
Devon looked at me, his expression unreadable. ‘You heard me.’
‘Yeah, I heard you. But what kind of question is that?’
‘I’m curious.’
‘Curious?’
He nodded, a little less sure of himself now. ‘Yeah … I just wanted to know … Never mind. Forget I said anything.’ He turned his attention to the noticeboard we were standing next to and started picking at one of the drawing pins with his fingernail. Back to Devon, Master of Awkwardness. But I hadn’t imagined the bitterness in his voice, had I?
‘Devon, I don’t know what to tell you …’
‘You don’t have to tell me anything. Just forget it. Please.’ He still wouldn’t look at me.
‘I don’t mind, honestly.’ I paused, not knowing what he wanted from me. ‘Nat’s not like anyone else I’ve been with.’ Cringe. I sound like a right slag. ‘He makes me feel good about myself. And I trust him.’
Devon looked up. ‘Do you?’ He asked the question ever so quietly.
I nodded.
‘You … love him?’ His eyes burned into mine. There was something beyond weird happening between us, and whatever it was made me hesitate before answering his question.
‘Yes.’
He closed his eyes for just a second, but it was