sleep. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it. Night, night, sleep tight.
OK. If you say so. Tell everyone to be quiet though. How can anyone sleep with that racket going on?
Pounding, pounding, pounding. My chest hurts.
Breathe. In and out. In and out. The whooshing is back and so is his hand.
I smile. On the inside though, so no one can see. A secret smile just for me.
Another voice. I have no choice but to listen. A girl-voice. Sounds upset. I try to work out if there’s a hand in mine, but I can’t tell. Just a dull throbbing sensation in my wrists, which is weird.
‘I hope you don’t mind me coming. I couldn’t not come. This is all my fault.’ This could be interesting.
The voice goes on. ‘I still can’t believe you did it.’ Did what? Why so cryptic?
‘I don’t know if you can hear me … Of course you can’t hear me! This is so stupid, but … I need you to know that I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. This whole situation is a mess. And I can’t help thinking that if I’d just told you the truth from the start then none of this would have happened. I’m sorry.’ Enough with the sorry! Just get on with it.
‘I met him first, you know. I’m not just saying that to be a bitch. It’s true. I was at Devon’s, and he was there. And I liked him straight away, and he … liked me. I’ve never been able to tell with boys before, but with him I just knew. He had some mates over for a party – it was all a bit crazy. Devon got fed up and went to stay at his dad’s. I should have left too. But I didn’t. I liked him so much. We had loads in common. We talked for ages. Sorry if you don’t want to hear this, but I need you to know the truth.
‘I drank too much. I didn’t mean to, but I was nervous and … I was having a good time. I felt like a different person. I knew something was going to happen with him. I really, really wanted something to happen. But he got wasted too – playing stupid drinking games. He fell asleep on the sofa while I was in the kitchen. Idiot. And then I …’ And then you what?
‘One of his friends had been eyeing me up all night. Simon. He saw that I was about to leave and begged me to stay. It was easier to say yes than no. He dragged me up to dance with him, and it was sort of fun. I remember thinking that this must be what it’s like to be you – just doing what you want and not caring. I’ve always wondered how you do that.
‘Simon kept on topping up my glass and I just didn’t care. We danced for ages, and then he kissed me. And I kissed him back. I wasn’t thinking. And then we must have gone up to Devon’s room. And I … don’t really remember much. I don’t remember how it happened. I don’t think I said no, but I can’t believe I didn’t. Does that make sense?’ I have no idea.
‘I just know that I woke up feeling sick and sore and I knew what must have happened, but it was almost like I couldn’t believe I’d actually done it. Simon was asleep next to me and I just got dressed and ran. I felt disgusting. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I should have told you, I wanted to, but … I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for …’
There’s a sound like a door opening.
‘Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize anyone was in here.’ A boy-voice.
‘That’s OK. I have to go anyway.’
‘Don’t go. Please. I think we should talk.’
‘Not here. Not now. You should stay – talk to her.’ Her? I think ‘her’ must be me. But who are they, and who is Simon for that matter?
Don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t think …
‘I don’t know what to say.’ He sounds petulant.
‘How about sorry? That might be a good place to start.’ Ouch. A door slamming shut hurts my ears. I listen hard for the boy-voice, but my ears are full of nothing. Just the beeping and whooshing. Comforting. I’m just starting to drift away when he speaks.
‘This is so weird.’ I hear a loud exhalation, and I think I feel