I hoped and wished and willed with every fibre of my being, praying that the positive vibes would flow through my fingertips from my body to his.
This was it. Everything rested on his next few words.
Ethan’s getting colder, I think. I lay down next to him and tried to warm his body with mine. It didn’t work. I fell asleep.
I dreamed we were back in the park, sitting on the swings. There was an empty gin bottle on the ground next to me. Ethan was swinging back and forth, back and forth. He looked all blurry and I couldn’t work out why. Was I drunk? Or was he moving so fast I couldn’t focus on him?
I heard his voice inside my head, but it sounded like my voice too. ‘Keep going, Grace. You’re so close.’
I woke up feeling sort of good. Sort of right.
Nat said yes. He was willing to give it a go.
‘Really?’ I asked in a small voice. I didn’t want to make any sudden movements or loud noises. Slow and quiet.
‘Yes, let’s do this.’ He didn’t look entirely convinced, but I was sure that was only temporary. I was going to prove to him that he’d made the right decision. I will be the best girlfriend ever.
‘I do care about you, Grace. Never forget that.’
I brought his hand to my mouth and kissed it gently. ‘I know you do.’ I paused, considering my words carefully. ‘Do you want to … do you want to come back to mine? Mum’s not back till tomorrow.’ All of a sudden I felt shy.
Nat shook his head. ‘I can’t – I have to get back to work. I’m only on my break.’ He lifted our entwined hands from the table so he could look at his watch. ‘In fact … I’m late as it is. I’m really sorry.’
‘Don’t worry about it – it’s fine.’ Liar.
He let go of my hands and downed the rest of his drink. I did the same, just to mask my disappointment. ‘Right, let’s go. I’ll walk with you.’
We left the pub in silence. It was still raining outside, so we ran round the corner to the pub where Nat worked. We stood in the doorway, both of us slightly damp. I tried not to think about how bad my hair must look.
‘I’ll call you tomorrow. Got some lame family thing tonight.’ He leaned down to kiss me, all too swiftly. I wanted more. I put my hand to the back of his neck and pulled him closer, but I still couldn’t get close enough. I wanted to take him home with me and make things all better in the only way I knew how. But it looked like I was going to have to wait.
Before I knew it I was standing alone in the doorway, feeling relieved and unsure and happy all at once.
The next day, I couldn’t face waiting at home for Nat to call, so I went round to Sal’s for lunch. The added bonus was that I wouldn’t be home when Mum got back from London. She always made a show of wanting to spend quality time with me when she got back from one of her trips. It never lasted. After about half an hour in my company, she’d suddenly remember that she needed to call Alison or Suzy or the hairdresser or anyone. I swear to God she’d rather dial a random number and talk to a complete stranger than have to spend time with me.
Everything was nice and normal at Sal’s house. Her mum folding the washing, Cam wandering around playing on his DS, getting in everyone’s way and shouting, ‘Die! Die!’ every few minutes. But Sal was being weird. She was acting super-polite and kept making sure I had a drink and did I want any more salad? Anything for pudding, perhaps? It was disconcerting. It had always been a case of ‘get it yourself’ when we went to each other’s houses, but she was acting as if I’d never so much as set foot there before.
I put it down to the fact that she felt awkward about the way she’d acted the other night. I thought we’d dealt with all that nonsense on the phone yesterday. I was half tempted to say something to put her at ease, but I was reluctant to bring up the subject again. Instead I did my best to act completely normal, hoping to reassure her that everything was OK between us.
After lunch,