seizing against mine, the helplessness of watching her tumble to the floor at my feet—my handcuffed arms unable to catch her convulsing body—it destroys whatever’s left of me.
As the officer drags me toward the front door, I feel my soul, my heart, my fucking will to live disappearing with every step I take. They don’t belong to me anymore. Honestly, they never did. They belong to the little black-haired rag doll twitching on the floor back there.
By the time that asshole shoves me down the front steps, the crushing pressure in my chest is reduced to a hollow ache—just phantom pains from my amputated heart. By the time we get to his pig mobile, I hardly remember having feelings at all. And by the time he shoves me inside and slams the door, I’ve gone completely … fucking … numb.
I was never meant to get the girl. To have the happily ever after. That’s not how my world works, and this shit right here is proof. Rain has shelter, a means of self-defense, and money to get supplies. There’s nothing left for me to do. My girl—and my kid, if my suspicions are right—are going to have as good a life as anyone could hope for post–April 23.
And me?
In a few days, I’ll be fucking fertilizer, and I won’t have to feel this shit at all.
Rain
“Sweetheart, I did you a favor. I did all of us a favor. One day, you’ll see.
“Are you really expecting, dear? How long has it been since you got your cycle?
“A baby! Oh my goodness. What a blessing!
“Don’t you worry. Mama Renshaw’s gonna help you every step of the way. And Carter—oh, he’s gonna be such a good daddy.
“I’m gonna be a grandma!
“Sit up, child. I got you some water.”
When I don’t comply, Mrs. Renshaw cuts the happy rambling and switches into high school administrator mode. “Rainbow, sit up,” she hisses, snapping her fingers at me. “Don’t be so dramatic. I know you think you loved that man, but in time, you’ll realize that you only got attached to him because you’d just lost your folks. He was a monster, dear. You saw what he did to my sweet Carter. We’re all safer with him gone.”
“You’re the monster.” The words aren’t much louder than a whisper as they leak out of my parted lips and dribble down my cheek onto the hardwood floor.
“Excuse me?”
I swallow, tasting blood and feeling pulses of pain radiating from one side of my tongue. I must have bitten it during the tasing.
“You’re the monster,” I repeat, clearing my throat.
I don’t open my eyes. Don’t lift my head. I’m in the same sloppy fetal position I ended up in after the volts hit me, and I don’t plan on moving. Ever.
A new pain, deep and dull, throbs in my lower back, right where Wes tucked his gun into my waistband before the cops showed up.
I squeeze my eyes shut tighter and silently thank him for this last gift.
“Rainbow, I know you’re upset, but when you’re feeling better—”
“I will never feel better.”
And as soon as you leave, I’m gonna put a bullet in my head to match the one you just gave Wes.
“I remember feeling that way too, when I was expecting Sophie. I thought I’d never feel better. But after the first trimester, you’ll get your spark back.”
I hear metal scraping wood just a few feet away from my head and realize that Mrs. Renshaw must be picking up the key that I dropped. The one Wes placed in my palm right after we got here. A few minutes—that’s all it took for this woman to rip my future away from me. A few minutes is all it ever takes.
“Is that my front door? It is, isn’t it? Goodness gracious! If that ain’t a sign from God, I don’t know what is. It’s like he’s sayin’, Welcome home, Agnes!” Mrs. Renshaw’s voice cracks, and she sniffles back a sob.
“We’re gon’ be all right, baby girl.” Her weathered hand pats my exposed shoulder. “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.”
“Get out,” I manage to rasp even though my lungs feel like they’re going to collapse under the weight of my despair.
“You’re right. I should go. You probably want some alone time. I’ll be back to check on you a little later, dear. Be sure to drink your water.”
Just as I hear her footsteps retreat toward the door, they stop a moment later and return to my side twice as fast