But you do." She pushes through her next breath. "I'm so sorry for what happened last year."
"Me too."
"I still don't know if I… I didn't think about things ending. I wasn't trying to die. My head was just so full. There was too much pressure. It was everywhere. I needed it to stop. Any way I could. I didn't think… I wasn't trying to—"
"I know."
"Do you? I know it was scary for you. It was scary for me too. And I hate that I put you through that… but do you know that I'm okay now?"
"Now, but…"
"I might slip?"
"It happens."
"I know." She folds her hands in her lap. "It scares me too. I'm vigilant about my anxiety now, but… it's not something that goes away. It's going to be there. Forever. I have to manage it forever."
I nod.
"But I have to manage it, Eve. I won't tell you to not worry. Or not be scared. Or not… I don't know. Want to protect me. I want to protect you too. But I need you to put yourself first, for once."
"I…" Don't. I can't say I do. Addie is always first. "I don't want something to happen to you."
"Yeah, but what about me? Do you think I want to see you shouldering the entire world alone?"
I shake my head.
"Worry. I worry too. Just… trust me. That I'll tell you if I'm not okay. I will. I promise. I know how to do that now."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Are you sure?" I blink back a tear. "Because I… Addie, I was so scared. In the ER. And after. When you were in the hospital. I thought I might lose you. I… it was like someone tore out my soul. I didn't think I'd ever breathe again."
"I'm sorry." She rests her head on my shoulder.
"You don't have to be sorry."
"I know. But I am. Let me have that. Let me apologize for putting you through that."
"Okay."
She steadies. Her voice. Her posture. "I can't promise I'll always be here. No one can."
"Life is a bitch."
"Sometimes, yeah. But I… I promise I'll tell you if I need help. If I'm slipping. Okay?"
"Okay."
She turns enough to look me in the eyes. "I need you to promise to trust me. Unless I give you a reason not to."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"I'll try."
"I appreciate it so much, Eve. That you're willing to sacrifice for me. That you want to make sure I don't take on too much. But I know my limits now. I can tell you if it's too much now."
"Okay."
"I need you to treat me like an adult. If we're going to live together, I need us to be partners. Even if we're not going to live together, if you're going to move in with him… I want it to be me and you against the world. Not you protecting me from the world."
I wipe a tear from my eye. "You're okay?"
"Yeah."
"You're sure?"
"Yeah."
I wrap my arms around her. "I won't stop worrying."
"I know."
"But I… I'll try. I will."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." I release her. Wipe my eyes. "I… you have to do this today?"
She nods. "When you'll remember why you need to put yourself first."
"He's not… We're not…"
"Maybe not. But what if you are?"
I take a deep breath. Push out a shallow exhale. It's a good way of putting it. What if we are? So many ways to fill in the blanks.
"I just… I want you to go for it. If you're ready. I've kept you from a lot. I can't keep you from this too."
"You haven't… I was glad to, Addie."
"I know."
"It's not a sacrifice. I want to keep you safe."
"I am safe. I have a scholarship. I'm studying STEM." She laughs. "I'm going to figure it out. In a few years, I'll be the one with everything together."
"I'll sleep on your couch while I get my PhD."
She smiles. "I'll save the spot for you. Or… maybe you'll be with him. I don't know what will happen. Only that you'll always be my best friend."
I nod.
"And that… I need you to go for it."
"Huh?"
"With Ian. Do me that favor. Please."
"You're blackmailing me?"
She nods I am. "Please, Eve. I've kept you from too much. Maybe he's not the one. Maybe it's just a fling. But if he is… I can't keep you from that." She wipes a tear. "So promise me. Promise me you'll go for it. Promise you'll jump and trust him to catch you. If he doesn't, I'll be there. To pick up the pieces. But promise you'll give it a chance."
"Okay." I nod.