true. She can see me like this. Ian too. Other people… no way.
"Everything is under the counter," I say.
She nods no problem. Moves into the bathroom. Bends to gather the supplies.
A mixing bowl, a brush, plastic gloves, two bottles of Special Effects.
"Where's Marisol?" I ask.
"You're not distracting me."
"It's a question."
"We got in a fight and I don't want to talk about it. I want to talk about you. Being in lurrrrrrrrrve."
"You're ruining it."
"You admit it?"
"Maybe." I really don't know. I like him so much… but I want to hold on to that too. To keep it close, where no one else can take it.
I sit on the bed. Give her a minute to fix the dye. Or maybe five. It's quiet here. Peaceful.
And my thoughts are all tuned to him. Is that love? Or lust? Infatuation?
There's no denying my lust. Even now…
I'm insatiable.
Addie finishes. "Ready." She motions for me to sit on the edge of the shower.
I move into the bathroom. Pull the teal curtain aside. Sit.
She's careful about applying Vaseline to my hairline and ears. "It's okay, you know."
"Huh?"
"If you're in love with him… if you want everything that comes with it."
What?
She runs a comb through my hair. Slowly. Gently. Waiting to explain. "Spending the weekend with him. It's okay. I don't need you watching me all the time."
"I know."
"Or if… I know it won't happen yet. But one day. Maybe it won't be Ian. But it will be someone. One day, you're going to want to move in with your boyfriend. Get married. Live your own life."
"I don't want to get married." It doesn't feel true. If I close my eyes, I can see it. Ian in one of his dashing suits. Me in some fantastic dress—mostly white, with a little teal. Or maybe black. Why not? It's my fucking wedding.
"Okay." Despite the incredulity in her eyes, Addie doesn't argue. "You don't want to get married. But you want him. You want to be with him. Maybe not forever. But right now."
"I do." I really do.
"You want to spend the next two weeks with him?"
"Not every day. I want to see you too." Only it is every day. As much as I'll miss her, I want to spend every fucking minute with Ian.
"I'm not going to talk you into facing your feelings." She takes the brush. Applies teal dye to a chunk of hair. "They'll hit you soon. And when they do… it's thrilling falling for someone. But it's scary too."
It is.
"I just want to say… you don't have to worry about me anymore, Evie. I'm okay. I've been okay."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"And I…" Her voice steadies. It's practiced. She knows exactly what she wants to say. "I know things can't be like this forever."
I swallow hard. "How are they going to be different?"
"You're really going to Hunter next year?"
"It's a good school."
She shakes her head. "Maybe. But you got into better ones. And if… I'm not stupid. I know there's more going on with Ian than you say."
"Yeah."
"You don't have to tell me."
"Okay."
"But you… you could afford to go to a better school now. If you wanted."
"Maybe." Tuition is expensive. It will swallow that money fast.
"You can go somewhere better than Hunter. If you don't want to, fine. If you want to stay in Brooklyn and not challenge yourself, fine. I love the city too."
"I do."
"Don't do it for me."
"But—"
"Please, Evie. Please, don't do it for me."
"It's for me. Because I want to hang out with you. You're my best friend."
"I know. You're mine too. But… you have to live your life."
"I do."
She nods. "Since you met him, yeah. If that's just the money, fine. If it's him, all the better."
It's both. The money gives me space to breathe. But Ian… he makes me feel alive. Like every part of my body is buzzing.
"If you kept seeing him, if he asked, would you want to live with him?"
"He won't ask."
"If he did?"
"Yeah." God, the thought of waking up next to Ian every morning… I like it way too much.
"Or if he wanted to take you to Europe for three months?"
"Three months is a long time." Longer than we have. Too long to be away from Addie.
"You're hiding from my point."
"I know."
She sets the mixing bowl and brush down. Sits next to me on the edge of the tub. "I love you, Eve. You're my best friend. You're my favorite person in the world. I know you're trying. That you don't mean to look at me like I can't handle myself.