was well cut, but hardly revealing. And not very festive.
Caroline, the finance manager, seemed to feel the need to keep me company for most of the evening. Maybe she felt a bit out of it, too. She was the only married one, older than me by a few years with three children. Her hair was graying, like mine, but she’d done the decent thing and dyed it one of those chocolate-brown colors, with some reddish highlights. All I could bring myself to do was cut mine short, in a monthly ordeal at the hairdresser, the only one I could find who didn’t talk to me while she cut my hair.
At least Caroline didn’t ask me too many questions. She was happy enough telling me stuff, which I was only partly taking in. There was more to Caroline than that, however. I didn’t believe she was one for inane chatter. I think she knew that I was struggling in this environment, and if she asked me how I was, or if I was all right, I might just fall apart.
So, when we got to the Thai Palace I sat at the end of the long table, and Caroline sat opposite me. She probably thought that I just wanted to sit away from the noise, but in reality being trapped in the middle of a long table in a densely occupied restaurant was a frightening place to be. At the end, nearest to the door, one eye on the fire exit marked at the back, I could see everyone who came in through the door, before they saw me. I could hide.
In the meantime, the girls were talking more loudly than I thought necessary and laughing at things that, surely, weren’t funny and never had been. They were all slender gangly arms and huge earrings and razor-straight shiny hair. I’d never been like that—had I?
Robin was certainly enjoying himself, sandwiched between Lucy and Diane, directly across the table from Alison’s impressive cleavage. He had one of those laughs that grated on me, and tonight he was louder than ever. I thought he was an odious man, with a shiny face and gelled hair, damp hands and a red, full mouth. He had that swagger of arrogance that only ever comes from low self-esteem. Nevertheless he wasn’t afraid to wave his money around, and he could be very attentive. The girls all loved him.
He’d hit on me, once, not long after I’d started. Cornered me in the photocopy room and asked me if I’d like to meet him for a drink after work. Despite the panic I managed to smile, and say, “No, thanks.” I didn’t want to appear too chilly, but I obviously had, because the next thing I heard was the rumor that I was gay. That one made me smile. I guess the short hair and lack of makeup might have backed up that idea. Well, it suited me fine—at least that might put some of the pushy sales reps off.
Before the main course, but after yet another round of drinks, the Secret Santa sack came out and, needless to say, Robin was more than happy to be the center of attention and play Santa.
He had a body that suggested he used to work out once upon a time but now preferred to restrict his exercise to a stroll around the golf course once or twice a week. I guess if you could ignore his voice and his laugh it might be possible to think of him as good-looking. Caroline had told me in a low voice that he was seeing Amanda, one of the reps, and that his marriage was in trouble. This didn’t come as a surprise.
Seeing Amanda didn’t seem to be stopping him from flirting, I noticed, and he was having a good old go at both the girls on either side of him—one of whom was young enough to be his daughter. She was looking at him shyly and I wondered whether she was going to find herself in some hotel room with him later on.
My Secret Santa present lay unopened on my place mat. It was beautifully wrapped, which was a good sign. For a moment I wondered whether someone had bought me something crude, which would be quite funny, but the wrapping didn’t really do that justice. I would just have to open it.
All around the table, whoops and shouts and laughter mingled with the noise of paper being torn. Someone had given Caroline