seen: the shape, the dark figure of a man. I remembered the figure I’d seen walking away, the figure who looked like Lee. Had he called at the flat? Had she seen him at the door, been startled by it?
“Try not to worry,” Stuart said, coming into the kitchen. “I’m sure she’ll be fine. We can go and visit her tomorrow, if you like.”
He was warm and smelled of shower gel, dressed in a T-shirt and a pair of jeans. The sight of him made all thoughts of evil shapes and shadowy figures evaporate from my mind. Every time I’d imagined seeing Lee these past few weeks, it had turned out to be my imagination. Why should it be him this time?
I handed him his mug of tea. It was getting cold already. I wouldn’t have been able to drink it like that.
“Thanks.” He sat down opposite me and before I had time to look away he’d caught me in those eyes.
“I’m going to Aberdeen on Thursday,” he said at last.
“To see your folks?”
Stuart nodded. “Dad’s birthday. I usually go up there this time of year.” He put his mug down carefully on the table. “I was going to ask if you wanted to come with me.”
I felt hot all of a sudden.
“But I guess it’s too short notice.”
“Yes, I think it is.” As well as being completely out of the fucking blue, I thought. Why ask me when it’s too late for me to do anything about it? Assuming I had wanted to go with him, even. “Besides, my first appointment’s on Friday.”
“Oh—of course it is. I forgot.”
You didn’t forget, I thought, because I didn’t actually tell you. And I somehow doubt that Alistair told you when it was—why would he? It was pointless second-guessing him. I was pissed off again, for no good reason.
“I wanted you to know that I’ve been thinking about what you told me.”
I didn’t answer, draining my mug of tea to hide my discomfort. I felt tense and itchy, like a sweater that was two sizes too small.
“I think we should take it slowly,” he said. “I want to make sure you get better first.”
“Oh, that’s very good of you,” I snapped.
“Cathy—”
“How about we take it slowly like we’re doing now?” I said, standing up so quickly that the chair rocked on the tiled floor. “Or how about we take it even slower than that, and give up on it completely?”
“I don’t want to do that.”
“Good for you. What about what I want?”
“What do you want?”
“I want . . . I just want to feel normal. Just for a fucking change. I want to feel like a normal person again.”
I couldn’t stand to look at him anymore, sitting there all relaxed and sure of himself, so I turned and made for the door.
“Cathy, wait. Please.”
I turned to face him. “I don’t know how you really feel about anything,” I said.
“When I think you’re in the right frame of mind to listen, I’ll tell you what I feel.”
“You can be really fucking patronizing sometimes, Stuart.”
“All right,” he said, taking a step toward me, and then another. “You want to know how I feel.”
I nodded, stood my ground, chin up, angry enough to take it, whatever ammunition he had left, whatever he had for me, verbal or physical.
“Are you listening?”
I nodded. “Go for it.”
And then he kissed me.
It took me completely by surprise. He kissed me, leaning me back against the wall in his drafty hallway, his hand cupping my cheek. Every time I thought it was over he came back for more. His body was warm and solid against me, the pressure of him holding me there against the wall. He was so much taller than me, taller than Lee had been, his physique more athletic. I should have been terrified. I should have reacted the same way as I had when Robin had done more or less the same thing, out on High Street, two months ago. But instead I felt myself unfurling, stretching out, tensed limbs relaxing and chilled fingers warming up.
After several long moments Stuart took an abrupt step back and regarded me with one raised eyebrow, challenging.
“Oh,” I said.
He took another step back, toward the kitchen, giving me space.
“That’s how I feel,” he said.
“Right.”
He smiled then, a broad, happy smile.
I cleared my throat. “Well, I think we’d better talk about this some more—another time, maybe.”
“Yes,” he said.
“Maybe when you get back from your trip to Scotland.”
“Fine by me.”
“I’m going home now.”
“Okay.