that seems so much worse than anything I’ve heard from them before.
Everything hurts because I wonder if it could’ve been something I did. Perhaps it’s all my fault. Maybe they don’t love each other because of me.
Another loud crash comes from downstairs, and I run to the toilet, just in time to puke up my dinner. My hands shake, as I hold onto the white bowl, the tightening becoming worse. When there’s nothing more coming out of my mouth, I try to stand, and my legs wobble.
I open the tap. While rinsing my mouth, I see my dad’s razor on the counter. I think about the first time I experienced calmness. When it happened; it was by mistake. An accident with a glass.
But now as I make the choice, I know it’s more.
My fingers shake when I lift it, unlatching the silver blade and holding it between my fingers. I turn, slide down onto my butt, and lift my shorts. I close my eyes after I press the silver metal to my skin and press it hard.
The pain makes me shiver, and more tears fall down my cheeks, but the moment I open my eyes and look at the blood, I can finally breathe again. It hurt, a lot, but I do it for a second time, two small lines on my tanned skin, the red staining my fingertips and the sharp object.
My chest doesn’t feel tight anymore.
My stomach isn’t in knots.
And I can finally feel my lungs inhale deeply.
As I close my eyes, all the fear and worry eases, the pain brings about serenity.
And I know this is the only way I’ll ever find calm.
38
Damien
The Present
I promised her we’d go. My fingers are laced with hers, as we make our way up the stairs. She’s quiet, contemplative, so I don’t say anything, because I need her to make sure this is what she wants.
When we reach her bedroom door, I stop, waiting for her to say something, anything. I will walk away from Thorne Corporation if it means having her with me. I don’t give a shit about the company if I don’t have Nesrin.
“I want to run,” she tells me, but she doesn’t meet my stare. Her hand on the doorknob tightens because her knuckles turn white. She’s tense, nervous. Her body trembles, as she stares at the door, instead of looking at me.
My brows furrow, not understanding her. “Run?”
“I want to go into the forest, I want to play hide and seek with you, but I want a burning rose. No more treating me like I’m fragile. The first time you took me on a run, it was merely a test. I want it all,” she tells me, finally lifting her gaze to meet mine. My initial response is to say no, to refuse her immediately, but I have a feeling she needs this.
I can’t stop my gaze from dropping to her legs, even though she’s wearing clothes, I see beneath those.
“Fine. But you have to promise me something,” I tell her, stepping in close, my palms landing on either side of her head, as I cage her in. “If you need to stop at any point, you tell me. You do not, and I mean do not, push past your limits.”
She laughs. “Do I need a safe word?”
“Yeah.” And I’m not even joking.
Nesrin ponders my response, her eyes sparking, as she nods. “Fine. It’s Rose.” I can’t help but smile before pushing away from her and stepping back.
“Meet me in the greenhouse in ten minutes. Remember, don’t wear anything that will get you hurt. Cover up,” I tell her, before turning for my bedroom. “Oh and, Nesrin,” I call to her before she steps over the threshold of her room, “don’t wear panties. You won’t be needing them.”
I’m in the greenhouse, ready, waiting. The items I need are strapped to me—rope, knife, lighter. The rose I’m holding is deep red, the petals perfectly opened, splayed, just how I want Nesrin to be tonight.
With our folks at home, it’s tricky to even consider fucking her anywhere in the house. Even though our bedrooms have doors, just the thought of them down the hall makes me anxious.
With a quick glance at the forest behind me, I allow the excitement to twist in my chest. My body is rigid with the need to run into the darkness and get lost amongst the trees. Just the thought of having her beside me has me on edge, in a good way.
“I’m