job that seems to occupy you so much, but I was hoping you’d make more time for your mother.” A sniff on the other end of the line was followed by another and then concluded with a broken sob.
I pinched the bridge of my nose to relieve the building tension that was threatening to morph into a full-blown headache. There was no one I knew who could lay a guilt trip quite like my mother. She might not have been the inventor of it, but the masterful way she wielded her sword and shield of shame could make even the most remorseless of creatures crumble to their knees.
It was something I had thought I’d built an immunity to over the years, but hearing her voice so heavy with grief made me few like a little boy again who was caught with his hand in the cookie jar before dinner.
“Nicholas, are you listening to me?”
“Yes, Mom. My apologies. I guess I have a lot on my plate right now.”
I was greeted with another sniff. “I understand. You have a life of your own, so I can’t expect for you to spend you every waking minute with your mother. I just worry about you is all. Now that you’re the only one I have. First your sister, and now my sweet precious Kenny.” Sniff. “I suppose I shouldn’t expect so much and just be grateful for whatever time you have to spare for me. Just come visit me when you can.”
And there it was, that punch to the gut that made me feel like a less than adequate son and human being for that matter. I could have pointed out that I had visited her three times this week alone, much more then I used to. If my brother were still alive, I would have, but I recognized the pain she might be in because it mirrored my own. Besides, I told myself had I been around more often before, perhaps there was something I could have done, and my brother would still be alive. I released a heavy sigh. “Mom, I’ll move some things around in my schedule and come for dinner tonight, how’s that? I can get takeout from the sushi place you enjoy so much, and you don’t have to cook.”
Sniff. “I don’t want to put you out. I know how busy you are and how important you are to your company, so you don’t have to worry about me. I’m sure I can find something to do to occupy my time. Maybe I’ll look through old photographs of when you were all children and we were together…before your father walked out on all of us and your sister…well enough about that. I’m sure I’ll see you when you’re able.”
I released a heavy sigh. “Mom, I’ll stop by tonight, okay.”
“Well, as long as I’m not inconveniencing you.”
“Of course you’re not.”
“Well in that case, you don’t have to bring take out. I’d love to cook, just like I used to. I’ll make your favorite. Which reminds me, I need to take a trip to the grocery store. I’ll see you at seven sharp, sweetheart otherwise your dinner will be cold. Do think about wearing something besides one of your stuffy suits. It makes me feel like I’m one of your clients and not your mother.”
“Of course, Mom.” I’d gotten into the habit of simply agreeing with her rather than to start an argument because it usually ended with her in tears and my feeling like shit.
“Oh, I forgot to ask, did you handle that little matter we discussed?”
The headache I’d been trying to fight off all afternoon attacked me at full blast. “All the paperwork has been filed. Probate can take up to twelve weeks. I’m handling it, so you don’t have to worry about it.”
“I don’t want her to see one red cent. She doesn’t deserve it after what she did to. She took my baby away from me. She destroyed this family.”
I didn’t say anything because even the mention of her made my chest tight. I understood all too well my mother’s anger because I too felt a rage in my blood every single day I thought about what she did, how she used and manipulated someone as vulnerable as my brother. The fact that she occupied my thoughts for more time than I care to admit was one of the very reasons I was battling this headache.
“Mom, let me worry about that stuff, and I’ll see you