her feet. Her new dress feels tight around her chest, making it hard for her to breathe. A few old ladies in black coats are standing on the church steps, talking in low voices. Minoo stares at their grizzled hair and wrinkled faces: Rebecka will never look like that.
Her parents had offered to take time off work and go with her, but Minoo said no. Now she can hardly remember why. She regrets it.
She tortures herself with various nightmare scenarios. What if she does something wrong –cries too much, giggles hysterically, faints or trips? What if she ruins the funeral for Rebecka’s family? Does she have the right to be there? She had known Rebecka for such a short time.
Slowly she climbs the steps and passes the old ladies, entering through the open doors. People are already sitting in the pews. Everyone has their backs to her. No one would notice if she turned and left.
Then she sees the white coffin. Next to the altar there’s an enlarged photograph of Rebecka on an easel. It’s a nice picture. She’s sitting at Dammsjön Lake, squinting a little in the sunlight, smiling at the person taking the picture. And Minoo knows she has to stay.
She is the only one there who knows why Rebecka died. The only one who knows it wasn’t suicide. Somehow that makes it her duty to be present. At least one person at Rebecka’s funeral knows the truth.
As she walks up the aisle, she remembers that this is also how bridal couples and parents christening their children enter the church. Minoo’s parents aren’t religious, but suddenly she understands the point of church; here, birth, life and death occupy the same space.
Minoo sits somewhere in the middle and tries to make herself invisible.
The bells start to toll.
Several people are snivelling.
She looks at Rebecka’s picture again, at her smiling face, which looks so alive, and it’s as if she realises for the first time that Rebecka is never coming back. Never. It’s like staring into a bottomless pit. It’s impossible to get your head around. For ever. Eternity. Suddenly tears are streaming down her face. She becomes afraid of losing control completely. She hides her face in her hands and thinks about everything Rebecka was and everything she might have been, all the things she’ll never feel, see and hear, love, hate, yearn for and laugh at. An entire life. Gone.
Helena Malmgren, Elias’s mother, isn’t conducting the service. Of course not. How could she bear it, so close to Elias’s death? Instead it’s a young priest. He’s uncertain, stumbling and mumbling his way through the sermon. Minoo hears the words slip past: … so young … God has a purpose … after death … but none provide comfort. When the priest talks about Rebecka, he sounds as if he’s talking about someone else, and Minoo wants him to shut up. Leave them in peace. She hates him for being so ill-prepared. She hates the psalms about souls going to Paradise. How can anyone pretend there’s something beautiful and meaningful about Rebecka’s death?
The organ music plays. Cautious tones rise up through the church.
Rebecka’s parents stand and walk to the coffin. Rebecka’s father, a tall, broad-shouldered man whom Minoo has never met, is red-faced from crying. Now and then his sniffs echo through the church, penetrating through the organ music. Her mother has the closed-off expression of the deeply shocked. They are leaning on each other for support. Behind them come Rebecka’s two little brothers; they are so like their elder sister that it’s painful for Minoo to look at them. They’re wearing black suits and holding each other’s hands as they follow their parents towards the coffin. She wonders how much they understand of what’s going on. An older man is behind them, resting his hands on their shoulders.
The young priest nods respectfully to the family and there is genuine empathy in his face. Minoo’s anger towards him disappears. He tries to comfort them: an impossible task, but at least he’s trying.
When the people sitting in the pew in front of Minoo get up, she follows them. Her legs feel unsteady as she walks towards the coffin. The tears well up again as she gets closer and it feels right and proper. It’s fitting that she should cry with Rebecka’s family and everyone else who knew her. She cannot take away their grief, but she can share it.
Minoo catches sight of a big wreath of lilies with white ribbons on which