despite that, I’m still standing. Still breathing. Still walking, one step after another. I’ll fall apart tonight, in the safety of my own bed.
I’ll envision Elias’s face, rife with betrayal and frustration, and the hurt in Karsyn’s eyes when I refused his offer of peace.
I’ll see Nana’s tear-stained face, and Gabriel’s snarling one.
Mariabella’s shuttered expression when I rejected her.
Lucas’s cold, tight-lipped smile that makes him look more demonic than human.
The anger in Cassian’s gaze when he confronted me about my involvement in Mrs. Town’s firing.
The disappointment and annoyance in my mom’s expression every time we talked.
Pain and grief have a way of chipping at your soul, one tiny sliver at a time. In small doses, you won’t even notice anything’s amiss. But if it comes at you all at once, you’ll lose yourself completely. Lose the fundamental thing that makes you you.
Cold, biting rainwater plasters my hair to my head as I step onto the sidewalk. I don’t immediately begin walking. Instead, I tilt my head upwards, allowing the rain to pelt my face like a thousand icy kisses. Bloated, gray storm clouds shroud the sky above me, the sun nowhere to be seen. It’s fitting, I suppose, to have such a dark and dreary day for a time like this, a time when my world is in shambles, falling apart around me, and I’m helpless to do anything but watch.
“Peony!” Karsyn’s raspy voice reaches me, and I blink water out of my eyes as I stare at him. His dark shirt clings to his chest, accentuating his muscular frame, as he bounds towards me in three quick steps. He places his hands on my waist, and this close, I can see raindrops suspended on his lashes like tears. “You don’t get to leave me. Not like that.”
And then he kisses me.
Or I kiss him.
It’s quick and sudden, but I swear lava sloshes in my stomach, a once dormant volcano springing to life. His lips move against mine fiercely, and I surrender to him, to the feelings he evokes inside of me. Maybe I should be cautious after everything that’s happened. Maybe I should be cynical or even feel guilty. After all, I had sex with Elias not even a few hours ago.
But this…
His lips against mine…
His tongue caressing my own…
It feels right. I can sense it in the very center of my soul, throbbing in tandem with my pounding heart. All that exists is him and me, locked in an embrace capable of sizzling the water pelting us from up above.
But my life is like the rain clouds in the sky, opening up and releasing torrents on the unsuspecting population. As quickly as the kiss begins, I end it, all but shoving Karsyn away from me. Tears fill my eyes, blending with the rainwater, as I stare up at one of the men I hate and love most in the world.
Isn’t this what most girls dream about? A fairy tale kiss in the rain? That inevitable collision of stars in the galaxy?
“We can’t do this,” I whisper, and I wonder if he can even hear me over the flurry of rainfall.
“Simone, don’t say that…”
“Because you were right.” I throw my hands up in the air and tilt my head skywards once more, laughing maniacally. “I’m a freak.”
“No one talks bad about my girl,” Karsyn all but growls, taking half a step closer to me. “Least of all my girl herself.”
“I’m not your girl, Alder,” I protest around a weak laugh. Inside, it feels as if my heart is shredding into thousands of intricate pieces. Too many for me to ever hope to stitch back together again. They just sit in my chest, a mildly uncomfortable presence I yearn to yank out and stomp on. “I can’t be.”
“Peony, I care about you. I always have. And I’m sorry—”
“It’s not even about that anymore!” A gust of wind blows my white hair around my face, and a few of the wet strands stick to my cheeks. Karsyn stares at one intently, almost as if he wishes he could reach out and brush it behind my ear. His hands ball into fists.
“Then what is it?” he demands.
“I’m a freak! I’m that weirdo you always accused me of being.” I don’t want to feel this…this…this hurt anymore. I don’t want to feel anything, if I’m being honest.
Love and hate are like a swinging pendulum. Once it goes in one direction, the laws of physics dictate that it has to swing in the other