slats cutting into my soft middle, I realized I was stuck. Hanging in midair, my legs kicking the air in Patrick’s garden, my tiger head and human arms flailing wildly in the neighbour’s garden.
‘What the hell …’
Shit. It was Patrick.
‘It’s a burglar, call the police.’ I heard another man’s voice behind me, tense but assertive. ‘You’re stuck now, son. Nowhere for you to go.’
I squirmed, sweaty and sore and utterly humiliated.
‘Get down,’ Patrick ordered. ‘Get down and fuck off and I won’t call the police.’
‘I would if I could,’ I yelled from the other side of the fence, kicking wildly.
‘Probably on drugs,’ the second voice stated. ‘He’s probably on the cocaine or the crack.’
If only, I thought to myself as I heard someone approaching my rear end and watched a hand slide around the wooden door and unhook the latch from the other side. The gate opened, the hinges squealing as I slowly swung backwards until I was face to tiger face with Patrick.
‘Blow me!’ the other man gasped before raising his voice in my direction as the gate began to swing back and forth, the hinges squeaking loudly in protest at the extra weight. ‘Don’t you bloody well move, I’ve got a club in my bag and I’ll knock you out as soon as look at you!’
‘Ros?’ Patrick said, staring up at me as the swinging gate slowed to a steady stop. ‘Is that you?’
‘No,’ I replied in a voice thick with tears brought on by embarrassment and the fact I had several sharp wooden slats stabbing me in the guts.
‘Then why have you got “RR” monogrammed on your backpack?’
‘Because I’m Robert Redford,’ I choked. Every part of me was in pain. ‘I wear this mask when I’m in London so I can walk around without being bothered by my fans.’
‘Ros. Get down.’
‘I can’t,’ I whimpered as the gate swung to a stop and I finally caught sight of Patrick’s face. He did not look nearly as amused as I’d hoped he might. ‘I’m stuck.’
Without another word, I felt him grab my legs and tug as I tried to lift myself up and over the gate, only succeeding in tearing my T-shirt and scratching my stomach as I went.
‘Take the bloody mask off,’ he said through gritted teeth.
‘I can’t,’ I said again as my feet touched the floor, quickly followed by my bottom as I crumpled to the ground. ‘It’s stuck.’
Patrick reached over and took hold of the tiger’s head, yanking it roughly over my head and dropping it into my lap. I rubbed my ears and opened and closed my mouth, stretching my jaw. I was a sweaty mess, mascara and eyeliner everywhere, jeans and T-shirt torn and three deep scratches along my stomach. In my lap, I saw a big bloody smudge across the tiger’s face. I looked up to see a silhouette of Patrick, features obscured by the bright sun shining behind him.
‘Julian, this is my … friend, Ros,’ he said, gesturing at me by way of explanation. I raised a hand at the older man who was now standing by the front door, and gave him a charming wave. ‘Why don’t you wait inside, I’ll just be a moment.’
‘Of course, of course,’ Julian replied, never once taking his eyes off me as Patrick unlocked the front door. ‘Is she … well?’
‘I honestly don’t know,’ he answered. The older man paused on the doorstep for just a moment, taking in the whole scene, and then disappeared inside, shaking his head.
‘What are you doing, you absolute lunatic?’ Patrick asked, once the door was firmly closed.
‘Surprise?’ I offered, slowly raising my hands and attempting a smile.
He did not smile back.
‘Did you hit your head or have you gone mad?’
I crossed my legs where I sat, wondering if perhaps I had. That would be a relief.
‘That was my publisher,’ he went on. ‘He’s here to talk about my book but now all he’s going to be thinking about is the time he was attacked by a mad woman in a tiger mask. Is that the kind of thing you’d want people to think about when they thought of you?’
‘I thought it would be funny,’ I said quietly as he paced up and down the garden. ‘I see now that it was not.’
‘I don’t know what has got into you,’ Patrick yelled. He was very much not done. ‘Ever since we got back together, you’ve been acting strangely. I know you were gone for two years but you weren’t like