as well not top it at all, and, in fact, should avoid it by taking a corner on two wheels and crushing your passengers against the doors. Tommy was sweat-soaked and a little nauseated.
"Here comes the bride," Troy Lee said.
"Fearless Leader," Simon said, "you look like you just left a three-toweler." Simon measured the success of any social event by the number of towels it took to clean up afterward. "Was a time in my life," Simon would say, "when I only owned one towel and I never had any fun."
"You're not still pissed at me?" Tommy asked.
"Hell, no," Simon said. "I had me a three-toweler myself tonight. Took two choir girls from Our Lady of Perpetual Guilt out in the truck and taught them the fine art of slurping tadpoles."
"That's disgusting."
"No, it ain't. I didn't kiss 'em afterward."
Tommy shook his head. "Is the truck in?"
"Only fourteen hundred cases," Drew said. "You'll have plenty of time to plan the wedding." He held out a stack of bride magazines to Tommy.
"No, thanks," Tommy said.
Drew chucked the magazines behind him and held out a can of whipped cream with his other hand. "Take the edge off?"
"No, thanks. Can you guys stack the truck? I've got some stuff I want to do."
"Sure enough," Simon said. "Let's go do it."
The crew headed to the stockroom. Clint stayed behind.
"Hey, Tommy," he said, his head down, looking embarrassed.
"Yeah?"
"A pallet of kosher food came in tonight. You know, getting ready for Hanukkah and everything. And it's supposed to be blessed by a rabbi."
"Yeah. So?"
"Well, I was wondering if I could say a few words over it. I mean, they're not washed in the Blood or anything, but Christ was Jewish. So..."
"Knock yourself out, Clint."
"Thanks," Clint said. Taken with the Spirit, he scurried off to the stockroom.
Tommy went to the news racks by the registers and gathered up an armload of women's magazines. Then, glancing over his shoulder to make sure that none of the Animals was watching, he took them into the office, locked the door, then sat down at the desk and began his research.
He was about to move in with a woman for the first time, and he didn't know a thing about women. Maybe Jody wasn't crazy. Maybe they were all that way and he was just ignorant. He flipped quickly through the tables of contents to get an overview of the female mind.
There was a pattern here. Cellulite, PMS, and men who don't commit were the enemies. Delightfully light desserts, marriage, and multiple orgasms were the allies.
Tommy felt like a spy, as if he should be microfilming the pages under a gooseneck lamp in some back room of a Bavarian castle stronghold, and any minute some woman in SS gear would burst in on him and tell him that she had ways of making him talk. Actually, that last part wouldn't be too bad.
Women seemed to have some collective plan, and most of it seemed to involve getting men to do stuff that they didn't want to do. He skimmed an article entitled: "Tan Lines: Sexy Contrast or Panda Bear Shame? - A Psychologist's View," then flipped to one entitled: "Men's Love for Sports Analogies: How to Use Vince Lombardi to Make Him Put the Seat Down." ("When one player falls in, the whole team gets a wet butt.") He read on: "When it's fourth and ten and Joe Montana decides to go for it, would his linemen tell him that they won't go to the store to get him tampons? I don't think so." And: "Of course Richard Petty doesn't want to wear a helmet, but he can't drive without protection either." By the time Tommy got to the warnings about never using Wilt Chamberlain or Martina Navratilova as examples, he was completely disenchanted. How could you deal with a creature as devious as woman?
He turned the page and his heart sank even further. "Can You Tell Him He's a Lousy Lay?: A Quiz."
Tommy thought, This is exactly the kind of thing that made me stay a virgin until I was eighteen.
1. It's the third date and you're about to have an intimate moment, but when he drops his shorts you notice he's less blessed than you expected. Do you:
A: Point and laugh.
B: Say, "Wow! A real man at last." Then turn and snicker to yourself.
C: Say, "Is that what they mean by microbiology?"
D: Just go ahead with it. He might be shamed into making a commitment. And what do