felt invaded, although her house was around the corner from the diner where Daddy and I had often had breakfast, the park where we’d walked sometimes, the apartment where we’d lived. It was more than that. There was something wrong with her. I stopped again and stared.
It was mid-July and high noon. Hot green light through the porch awning flooded her face, the same heavy brows, high cheekbones, slightly aquiline nose. She looked sick. The spots of color high on her cheeks could have been paint or fever. She was breathing hard. Even from here I could see that she was shivering violently. And around her shoulders, in the noonday summer heat, was a white fur jacket.
I have told myself that at that point I nearly left, but I don’t think that’s true. I stood there looking at her across the neat green of the Kentucky bluegrass in her north Denver lawn. Sprinklers were on, making rainbows. I was drawn to her as I’d always been. Something was wrong, and I was about to be drenched in it, too.
She saw me and smiled, a weak and heart-wrenching grimace. I wished desperately that I’d never come but the impulse toward self-preservation, like others throughout my life, came too late.
“Brenda! Hello!”
I opened the waist-high, filigreed, wrought-iron gate, turned to latch it carefully behind me, turned again to walk between even rows of pin-wheel petunias. “Kelly,” I said, with an effort holding out my hand. “It’s good to see you.”
Her hand was icy cold. I still vividly recall the shock of touching it, the momentary disorientation of having to remind myself that the temperature was nearly a hundred degrees. She leaned toward me over the porch railing, and a tiny hot breeze stirred the half-dozen wind chimes that hung from the eave, making a sweet cacophony. Healthy plants hung thick around her, almost obscuring her face. I could smell both her honeysuckle perfume and the faint sickly odor of her breath. She was smiling cordially; her lips were pale pink, almost colorless, against the yellow-white of her teeth. There were dark circles under her eyes. For a moment I had the terrifying fantasy that she would tumble off the porch into my arms, and that when she hit she would weigh no more than the truncated melodies from the sway of the chimes.
Her voice was much as I remembered it: husky, controlled, well-modulated. But I thought I’d heard it break, as though the two words she’d spoken had been almost too much for her. She took a deep breath, encircled my wrist with the thin icy fingers of her other hand, and said, “Come in.”
I had last seen Kelly at her wedding. I’d watched the ceremony from a gauzy distance, wondering how she could bring herself to do such a thing and whether I’d ever get the chance; my father had already been sick and my mother, of course, long gone. Then I had passed through a long reception line to have her press my hand and kiss my cheek as though she’d never seen me before. Or never would again.
Ron, her new husband, had bent to kiss me, too, and I’d made a point to cough at the silly musk of his aftershave. He was tall and very fair, with baby-soft stubble on his cheeks and upper lip. His big pawlike hands cupped my shoulders as he gazed earnestly down at me. “I love her, Brenda.” He could have been reciting the Boy Scout pledge. “Already she’s my better half.”
Later I repeated that comment to my friends; we all laughed and rolled our eyes. Ron was always terribly sincere. He could be making an offhand remark about the weather or the cafeteria food, and from his tone and delivery you’d think he was issuing a proclamation to limit worldwide nuclear arms proliferation.
Ron was simple. Often you could tell he’d missed the punchline of a joke, especially if it was off-color; he’d chuckle good-naturedly anyway. He had a hard time keeping up with our rapid Eastern chatter, but he’d look from one speaker to the next like an alert puppy, as if he were following right along. He was such an easy target that few of us resisted the temptation to make fun of him.
Kelly, who was brilliant, got him through school. At first she literally wrote his papers for him; he was a poli-sci major and she took languages, so it meant double studying for her, but she didn’t seem to pull