be, but still… At times like this, with a long, boring evening stretched out before him, he yearned for what used to be.
Thank God for his parents, a thought he had at least once every day. But even having them by his side through this first year with his son couldn’t fill the gaping loneliness he felt at times like this. Everyone else was out living their lives, and he was at home with a baby son who was his sole responsibility.
Sometimes he even missed Chloe, Caden’s mother, who’d disappointed him so profoundly. He’d heard from a college friend that Chloe was still in Burlington and dating someone new. Good for her. Did she ever wonder about him or their son or how the baby was doing or how he was handling being a single parent?
Probably not. He’d worried about her after the night of Hunter’s wedding last Christmas when she’d come to the house and signed the papers his cousin Grayson had drawn up, surrendering her rights to Caden. Max had been concerned about postpartum depression and whether there was more he could’ve done to support her. But after checking in with numerous mutual friends who’d reported that she didn’t seem depressed at all, he’d let it go. Clearly, she’d moved on with her life, and he needed to do the same.
Except, how could he do that with a seven-month-old infant who relied on him for everything? He didn’t often indulge in this level of morose thinking, because, really, what good did it do? He loved his son, didn’t regret for one minute having custody of him and would do anything for him. But being a single father at twenty-three was a tough spot to be in. No question about it.
Max was inordinately blessed to have his big, loving family all around to help him any time he needed it. His mom was amazing about watching Caden while Max was at work, and both his parents were willing to take him so Max could occasionally go out with friends or his siblings.
But at the end of the day, the responsibility for the tiny bundle in his arms was all his, and at times, the weight of that responsibility threatened to crush him.
Not all the time, but far too often to ignore.
Sometimes he wondered if he was the one with postpartum depression.
He stood and carefully transferred Caden to his crib in the tiny room that adjoined Max’s. He and his dad had knocked down a wall to make the room for Caden in what used to be a closet. Max stared down at his sleeping son for a long moment, wondering what would become of the two of them.
Would they always be alone, or would he meet someone who could be a partner to him and a mother to Caden? And did he even want that? He was only twenty-three. What were the odds he’d meet anyone in the next few years who interested him enough to lock himself in for life?
He probably needed to accept that he was going to be alone with his son for the foreseeable future and make peace with that.
The other day, his brother Colton had told him he needed to get laid, as if that would fix everything. However, Max had to acknowledge that since Colton had mentioned it, that was all he could seem to think about.
Remember sex? Yeah, it’d been a while…
For a time, he’d feared Chloe had ruined that for him, too, but since Colton had brought it up, Max had found out otherwise. Not that there was any chance of it happening any time soon.
Ugh, he hated being in such a funk, especially since he loved every second he got to spend with his son. It was almost painful to leave him for the seven or eight hours he spent at work five days a week. Every afternoon, he rushed home to be with him, to play with him, to feed and bathe and rock him. But after the baby went to bed, the nights were long and boring.
And lonely.
Growing up the youngest of ten kids, Max had never experienced true loneliness before he had Caden. It had gotten so bad lately, he’d actually gone so far as to set up a Tinder account that he’d yet to make live because he wasn’t sure he wanted to go that route either. With cell service nonexistent in Butler, he could access it through the Wi-Fi at home or at work on