took his face in her hands. He hunched over to her level and held her. “You are going to live with it. Remember? A long, full life. As long as you want. Treating it is the solution. But you must treat it forever and your whole life. Right? You’re going to do that?”
Ross released her and wiped the wetness leaking out of his eyes, using the back of his hands as he nodded and replied, “Yeah. Yes.”
“Do you promise me you will?”
“I promise I will,” he whispered.
“No more of your shit either, acting like you and your life don’t matter. For what you did to me. And for almost giving it to me, all I ask is that you take better care of yourself for the rest of your life.”
“I can do that…”
“Why don’t you talk to me for once? And be honest. What the hell happened? Zenith’s former drummer comes back and you take off? Without a word to any of us? This disease brought you back. You realize that, right? You would not be here but for your fear that I contracted a disease from you. You came back as an obligation, not from love. We still have a lot to figure out in terms of your journey with that. But first: what the fuck were you thinking?” Jody all but hit his arm before she continued her reprimand. “Why? Why would you leave me, and all of us like that?”
Shaking his head, Ross flopped down on the edge of the couch behind him. “It sounds like such crap after you had to be tested for HIV because of me and now you’re waiting to see if your life is changed…”
“Remember that, changed, not ruined,” Jody added softly.
He nodded. “Right. I’ll try.”
“Zenith was always a temporary gig. I fully intended to find you a new band. A younger one that toured and was hungry enough to take you with them to the top of all the charts. Why wouldn’t you let me do that?”
Ross stared down at the carpet. He seemed frozen with shame.
“Why would you leave me in the process? My God, that was mean.”
He lifted his head. The word she used seemed to surprise him. She shrugged. “What? It best describes how you left me. It was so mean. You didn’t say even goodbye. I had to figure it out by myself. No phone call or text even. I had no way to locate you. No address, phone number, nothing. I thought I’d never see you again. and I started to grieve for you, you stupid dolt. Grieve. Because I worried I would never find you. Ironically, HIV is what brought you back to me. Listen to my words and then try to tell me that isn’t mean.”
He put a hand out towards her. “It was the meanest thing I’ve ever done. And I’d hate anyone who could do that to you.”
“Then why did you do it?”
“Are you ready for a shitty excuse that will embarrass you because it’s so wimpy and misguided? The life I thought I led was so tough and cool, and now it seems totally stupid, feeble and wrong.” She leaned forward and set her hands on his and sat beside him.
“I’m ready for the shitty excuse.”
“I was basically scared. I kept thinking that nothing ever works out. Here I go again. I was always finding new ways to feel defeated. That’s it. I panicked. I always run when I panic. I just run like the little bitch that I am.”
“And would you have come back eventually?”
“A year ago, I would say no. But a day ago, I really missed…” His voice drifted off. The fierce stone wall started to fortify itself.
“Ross, we just got tested for HIV together. Get over it. Speak to me. Now. Honestly. I’m done with all of that from before, your cryptic comments to avoid saying the truth. Say it.”
She gave him the barest hint of a smiles with her frustrated tone. “I missed you. More than anything else in my life. Ever. Even drumming. Playing with Zenith was a great high. But you? You were a landmark in my life. A ground-breaking pioneer and a life coach.”
Jody sighed as she let go of her clenched muscles when she feared what he might say. “Okay, that’s more fucking like it.”
Ross laughed. Finally. It sounded like a pressure valve letting off steam.
“So all that was because you thought everyone was failing you once more. Nothing ever works out