it was no big deal,’ interrupts Jeff, stepping in to defend me. ‘My friend told me. No one’s getting into trouble, OK?’ He rests his hand on her arm and I see her calm down. She’s like a tightly coiled spring, which under the circumstances is understandable, but still, I can’t help feeling a bit hurt. ‘Said some guy Adam had to come pick you up,’ adds Jeff, turning to me, eyebrows raised.
His name stings.
‘Who’s Adam?’ frowns Kate.
‘I told you about him the other day,’ I say quietly, in reference to our lunch at the weekend. ‘You probably don’t remember. I was going on about stuff, and you had a lot more important things on your mind.’ I glance at Jeff, then stare awkwardly down at my sandals.
‘New boyfriend, huh?’ he says good-naturedly.
‘No, we just went on a couple of dates. It didn’t work out.’ I shrug. I catch Kate’s eye. She’s looking at me and I can tell she’s thinking of something to ask me, but I glance quickly away. I don’t want to talk about Adam, especially not now. ‘Not everyone’s as lucky as you two,’ I add with a small smile.
‘He obviously didn’t use the Irish line,’ says Jeff with a grin.
‘No, he didn’t,’ I say softly, my mind flicking back to the cinema, sitting together in the darkness, his fingers shyly interlacing mine. ‘He didn’t use any lines.’
‘We should go up to your room.’ Kate suddenly checks her watch and I snap back. ‘You have your appointment with Dr Coleman in ten minutes.’
‘OK, boss,’ salutes Jeff, making a joke of it, but I catch him blanch slightly. He glances at me. I pin on my most encouraging smile and he winks. ‘Right, ladies, let’s do it.’
Dr Coleman is a kind-faced man with frameless glasses, a white coat, which sports about a dozen different pens in his breast pocket, and a patch of white bristles on the side of his chin that he missed when he was shaving.
It’s odd how you notice these trivial details, as if your mind tries to distract itself by concentrating on the minutiae, rather than face the bigger pi d€the biggÀ pi d€thcture.
This is Jeff’s oncologist. He’s a cancer doctor, and the only reason he’s standing here now, in front of me, shaking Jeff’s hand and making polite small talk with Kate, is because Jeff has cancer.
I leave the room and sit outside in the waiting area so they can have some privacy. The doctor is here to talk through the operation, which is scheduled for later this afternoon, and knowing my sister, she’ll want him to answer all of her questions. As I left she was already pulling out sheaves of paper from various folders and asking him to ‘clarify a few points’, as if she’s discussing a high-powered merger and not her husband’s illness.
I flick idly through a bunch of magazines, not really paying attention. My heart’s not in reading about celebrities and goggling over their bikini pictures. Putting them down, I look around the waiting room, my gaze landing briefly on the other people waiting for loved ones and family. I knew there would be a lot of hanging around and I meant to bring a book to read, but at the last minute something stopped me reaching for one of the dozens of unread paperbacks on my shelf and instead grab an old sketchbook of mine.
I pull it out now. It’s all dog-eared around the edges and half the pages are filled with drawings from years ago, but I turn over to a fresh, blank page. I stare at its whiteness, momentarily nervous. It’s been so long since I drew anything that maybe I’ve forgotten how to, maybe I can’t do it any more. Nevertheless the same something that made me reach for this sketchbook makes me rummage around in the bottom of my bag and dig out a pencil. It makes me look around, at the different faces and their expressions, the different emotions – hope, fear, boredom.
And makes me start sketching again.
I’m not sure how much time passes. I vaguely notice the doctor leaving the room, but Kate remains inside, so I remain outside.
Finally I see two nurses pushing an empty stretcher into Jeff’s room and a few minutes later he’s wheeled out. He must be on his way for his operation. I don’t get up. I don’t want them to see me. Instead I watch as Kate follows him down the corridor to the lift,