sank down next to me and I couldn’t stop myself from closing my teeth around his bicep.
“Easy, tiger,” he said.
I popped open each container. “Fried tofu. Quinoa. Watermelon and blueberries. Avocado and corn salad. Carrots. Corn chips.”
“Corn chips?”
“They’re vegan,” I said, biting my lip. “I probably ate my weight in Fritos during study sessions in college. Also, I have no excuse, I still do that to this day.”
His eyes crinkled at the sides. “Speaking of interesting food choices, what’s the response been to your cheeseburger post?”
“One-half love. One-half extreme hatred,” I said. “The people I’ve pissed off are still pissed off. And they keep piling up on me. I guess admitting that I even felt the temptation to eat meat confirms their view that I’ve lied this whole time. And the people who were never really that mad seemed to like it. Liked the honesty in it. Some people even sent me messages about their cheat days. Or other ways that they’re less-than-perfect in how they express their core values on a daily basis but are working towards being better. That was really wonderful to read actually.”
“I’m sorry about the extreme hatred,” he said.
“I won’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt,” I said. “But it’s hurting much, much less now.”
“You won’t ever make them happy,” he said simply.
I grabbed a fork and handed him one of the containers. “I saw one of your mug shots the other day,” I said, and immediately watched his spine stiffen. “I think it was your last one.”
“How did you know it was the last one?” he asked softly.
“You had this look,” I said. “Like you’d already decided this was going to be your last time. Is that true? Before even meeting Willow, did you have a sense that you wouldn’t go back inside again?”
Beck chewed for a minute and I let him think. “I was seventeen, about to do eight months. If I fucked up after that, I wasn’t going to juvie. I was going to prison. Which is a big difference. MC members were always in and out of jail, in between prison sentences or awaiting trial. It was part of life, something to get through. It was a way to serve the MC and my parents.”
The waves were soothing behind us, the ocean breeze a cool balm to the sticky heat.
“I guess I realized…” Beck drummed his fingers on his knee. “I guess I realized that all of my criminal activity was just me, trying to get their attention. Get their love. And they weren’t ever going to give it. Right before my last stint, a loyal club member was returning from a five-year sentence. Logan. He’d taken the fall for a crime my parents had committed. They had been laundering counterfeit bills. But he had taken the fall happily, wanting to prove his loyalty to the club, to our family. It was… awful.” Beck cleared his throat. “I overheard members talking at night about the shit that went down in there. Other rival MCs beating him up on a regular basis. For years. My parents never visited him, never sent money. And when he got out they didn’t even say thank you. There was no reward for him. There was no love. It didn’t matter what I did, or anyone did. They weren’t going to care.”
I scooted forward on the blanket, cross-legged, until our knees touched. Then I placed my hands over his. “Who showed you love growing up, Beck?”
A careless shrug, like it didn’t matter. “No one, I guess. Willow and the other dogs in that program, when I was older. And now Elián. And it’d be hard for me to say it to them, but I love Wes and Jem too.”
“Your family,” I said.
“A family I almost lost because I can’t do my fucking job,” he said, anger edging his voice. I stroked the palm of his hand.
“You’re fixing it,” I said. “It’s getting better. You didn’t lose them.”
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “I felt okay during that video.”
“You spoke from the heart,” I said. “It was the most authentic thing I’ve ever seen. I envy that in you. Behind the walls you’ve built lives a man who isn’t ashamed to be who he is. We can all learn from that.”
He indicated the lush nature surrounding us. “This is who you are, Luna.”
“It is. But money has changed everything in my life. Every single thing. And it’s only now that I feel like I can