be legit concerned, but I know you’re fighting with trolls on twitter right now. What’s going on?
Thurs, Dec 19, 4:45 PM
So. Alanna tweeted and we’re not talking about it and that’s just fundamentally wrong.
Sat, Dec 21, 10:31 AM
I’m going back through our most recent messages and I’m just really confused? Are you mad at me?
Is it about Halle?
I HATE that I’m even asking that. But the last time we really talked was before the dance …
Sun, Dec 22, 4:54 PM
Kels … ?
SIXTEEN
December is a blur of midterms and awkward Nash. We’re not exactly avoiding each other. It’s more like we try too hard to pretend everything is fine. He’ll sit next to me at lunch to prove a point, but every time his arm accidentally brushes against mine, I am electrocuted. It’s a miracle I’m still alive, honestly.
In Kels land, I RSVP to the BookCon panel, pray that time slows down between now and the March announcement, and take a midterms hiatus. Am I avoiding Nash online? Absolutely. Am I still reading every message he sends me? Totally. Do I want to answer them? Of course.
I can’t.
Every time I think I’m ready to type words, I freeze. It’s the worst. I’ve never been so Halle online before. But the ability to maintain my persona for Nash has shattered, thanks to what is otherwise the best thing that has ever happened to me. Now that him finding out is inevitable, it’s impossible to be Kels.
So I’m not.
Kels is on hiatus. Halle has been taking midterms and polishing college applications.
There’s no time to tell Nash, even if I knew how to formulate the words. It makes matters worse that I can’t talk to my friends about this, that I can’t freak out about this mess I made. Samira’s reaction would be in cat memes. Elle would say, This is a shocking development, in a way that makes me know she’s rolling her eyes behind the screen. Amy would be no-chill flailing. But at this point, I’ve also managed to be absent from their conversations for so long that I don’t even know how to begin to insert myself back in.
So I don’t. For days. For weeks.
I’m on hiatus.
* * *
Before I know it, we’re lighting candles on the first night of Chanukah.
Real candles. Gramps doesn’t have an electric menorah like we’re used to. It’s late this year—the first night is just two days before Christmas Eve. Gramps’s menorah is the table centerpiece. Ollie does the honors, taking the lit shamash and lighting the first candle while Gramps mumbles the prayers under his breath. I just stand there and watch it burn, the one singular candle and the elevated shamash in the middle. The best part of Chanukah is the last night—it’s only when all nine candles are burning in unison that I can fully appreciate the story of the Maccabees and miracles.
“Check the applesauce?” Gramps asks, and I come out of my trance.
We’ve done the secular version of Chanukah my entire life. Exchanging gifts and eating boxed latkes from Trader Joe’s. Chanukah has never been a process or the kind of all-day prep that is associated with Thanksgiving. It has never been latkes from scratch and applesauce that simmers on the stovetop until the entire house smells like it.
In case it’s not obvious, Gramps loves Chanukah.
I set the silverware and fill glasses with water and we all settle around the burning menorah for our Chanukah dinner. Ollie, Gramps, and me—we’re a pretty great trio now, I think. Sure, it was a rocky start, but I can’t believe we’ve only been living with Gramps for four months, and how much has changed in those four months.
Ollie sits next to me, dramatically thwacking a tub of sour cream on the table. I spoon a generous amount of applesauce onto my latkes and give Ollie major side eye. I don’t know why latke toppings are so controversial. I just know that applesauce is the right choice, the only choice.
Ollie licks the sour cream spoon and I make gagging noises. We are the epitome of maturity.
I send Mom and Dad a Happy Chanukah message, along with a photo of my dinner plate and #TeamApplesauce. Ollie is the only #TeamSourCream mutant in the family.
Moments later, my phone buzzes with a text from Mom.
Mom
The superior topping!
6:14 PM
Ollie
#TeamSourCream4Life
6:16 PM
Dad
6:17 PM
Ollie looks up from his latkes. “Why are they even still awake?”
“Probably reviewing footage,” I say.
It’s almost one-thirty in Israel, but the better a project is going, the later my