can’t believe I went two whole days without checking my OTP email. Was I that distracted by the concept of going to a school dance with Nash? Definitely.
Oh my God, Nash. Where is he? How did he not immediately burst into my DMs when the email came in? That’s not like him. This isn’t like us. We’ve been talking for weeks about the inevitable BookCon decision coming soon. So where is he? Has he been just as distracted as I have? By what? Me?
No. He made it pretty clear last night where he stood. There’s someone else. Kels.
My phone buzzes on my desk with a DM and my stomach twists.
Nash Stevens
Huh. So cone of silence, but I heard via Samira that Annaliese de la Cruz got a spot on the Bloggers IRL panel.
12:31 PM
I guess notifications went out to panelists a few days ago?! I didn’t get anything. I’m assuming you didn’t either.
12:32 PM
I’m still planning on going, I think. So if you still wanted to meet up, I like wouldn’t hate that.
12:33 PM
I stare at the messages from Nash, totally at a loss.
Nash has no clue I got the panel. But he’s going to find out.
Which means he’s going to find out everything.
I type and delete and type and delete.
Turn down the panel. He never has to know. Can you even handle speaking on a panel?
The reality of being on a panel, of speaking on a panel, hits me all at once. What if Stella McQueen asks me a question and I totally freeze up? Or what if I say the wrong thing and embarrass myself and ruin everything—for Kels, for OTP, for Halle?
Turn it down. It’s smart. It’s safe. Protect yourself.
Except … I can’t. I might be an anxious mess, but I’m a proud anxious mess. I worked on my application for weeks. I genuinely love books and the YA community. I was chosen. I am enough. If there’s anywhere I can be Kels, for real, it’s BookCon.
Also? If I turn down BookCon for Nash and don’t get into NYU, I’ll never forgive myself.
My phone buzzes with another string of messages.
Elle Carter
Hey, Kels. Not sure where you’ve been lately, but we heard that BookCon panel emails have gone out. Here for you if you need it
12:45 PM
Samira Lee
I’m honestly shocked. I mean, Annaliese is ridiculous, but you’re totally at her level.
12:46 PM
Amy Chen
do we know who else got it?
12:46 PM
Samira Lee
Nah. Everyone else is being pretty hush. Annaliese and I just go way back from our fanfic days.
12:47 PM
Elle Carter
I’m sure we’ll know soon enough.
12:49 PM
I stand up from my desk chair and fall backward onto my bed. I can’t tell my friends I got the panel without Nash finding out. Which means this is real. BookCon is happening.
Nash is going to find out I’m me. It’s stupid to delay the inevitable, right?
What will he think? How will he feel?
He thinks he loves Kels.
I definitely like him.
He doesn’t hate me.
I tap back into my messages with Nash. All questions of love aside, I’m just so tired of lying to him. But it’s not like I can tell him the truth via a DM.
My phone buzzes. Three new messages.
I lock the screen and place it facedown on my night table, leaving all messages unanswered. I don’t want to lie anymore. Every single time Kels texts Nash, it’s a lie. I won’t tell him about the panel from behind a screen, where I’m going to have to match his enthusiasm about meeting and pretend like we haven’t already. I can’t do that.
Until Kels can be honest with Nash, it’s probably better she doesn’t say anything at all.
Nash to Kels, a week in December
Sat, Dec 14, 1:14 PM
Rumor has it Celeste Pham also got a panel spot. So I guess maybe we shouldn’t feel so bad that we’re not BookCon adequate.
Also, I have more REX. Whenever you’re ready for it.
2:31 PM
I’m going to assume you are intensely studying for midterms. Which is probably what I should be doing tbh …
8:34 PM
Sun, Dec 15, 11:31 AM
link: If Alanna LaForest is against F&Y, So Am I.
lol so now it’s actually pro-alanna to NOT see the movie? This is becoming more and more absurd …
I’ll be working on my portfolio (read: questioning everything) all day. Have you finished your application yet?
Mon, Dec 16, 3:37 PM
… Is everything okay? I don’t think we’ve gone a whole weekend without talking in literal YEARS? i don’t even think i’m being hyperbolic here.
Tues, Dec 17, 6:37 PM
Okay. I’d