my feet. He leaned one hand on the tree next to my head and dragged the other down his face. We were both breathing hard.
“What are you . . . why, Alec?” I hated how desperate, how hurt, I sounded.
“You don’t want this,” he ground out, his eyes downcast.
“What?” I was not expecting that to be his answer. “You don’t get to decide what I do and don’t want, you fucking jerk.”
His eyes flicked up, now full of defiance, his anger rising to meet mine. “You are so fucking impossible sometimes.”
I took a deep breath. I hadn’t come after him for this to become another screaming match. “Please explain what you mean, because I’m getting really confused, Alec. I can’t keep doing this.”
He sighed. “It’s just the Light. You’ve done it with the other three, and the only reason you want me is because of the fucking Bond. It’s pushing you to make it even.”
I blinked and stared at him. He was keeping his distance because he thought I didn’t want to be with him?
I threw my head back and laughed because I didn’t know what else to do. The laugh ended on a groan, and I opened my eyes to look at him.
His teeth were grinding, his eyes narrowed, but there was hurt behind the anger.
“I’m not laughing at you,” I rushed out. “I’m laughing because I’ve been having this exact same doubt—worrying that you didn’t actually want to be with me. That you resented the Bond. Sometimes it’s eerie how similar we are.” I ended on a whisper.
“I want you.” He ran his thumb over my cheek, and I leaned into the touch. “Don’t ever doubt that. But I don’t want to do this if it’s not for the right reasons. I want you to want me too, and not just because the Light makes you.”
“I do want you, you idiot,” I whispered back, but he just gave me a skeptical look.
I rolled my eyes and swatted his hand away. “You can resist the pull of the Bond, have enough self-control to not fuck my brains out while the others are doing exactly that, but you don’t believe I can decide for myself whether or not I want to be with you? So, what—you’re not controlled by the Light but everyone else is? Give me a break.”
He opened and closed his mouth a few times, then just sighed, defeated.
“Fine,” I declared. “Then I’ll prove it to you.”
I sank to my knees, keeping my gaze locked on his, and slowly but confidently reached for his pants.
“What are you doing?” he asked, exasperated, as I started undoing the buttons on his jeans.
“Showing you I can control myself.” I pushed down his pants, but before I could reach for the underwear, he wrapped his hands around my wrists.
“Get up, Evelyn, you don’t know what you’re doing.”
I gritted my teeth. His assumption was patronizing and just plain mean, but I refused to allow my anger to rise. I had something to prove. I may not have been as experienced as him, but I’d been with enough guys to know how to give a blowjob.
I stayed exactly where I was and stared him down. He’d stopped what I was doing, but he wasn’t leaving. That meant he didn’t actually want to. I was so close to breaking him.
“Alec, remove your shirt, put your hands on the fucking tree, and shut up.” I didn’t let any frustration leak into my voice. He ground his teeth, his icy eyes glaring at me, his nostrils flared. Then he huffed, released my wrists, and did as he was told.
His shirt joined mine on the ground, and I spared a moment to appreciate his amazing body—the tattoos, the scars, the V at his hips leading right where I needed to focus. As he lifted his head to the dark sky on another sigh, I grinned.
He wasn’t leaving, and he was actually listening to me. He was trusting me.
By the time his gaze returned to mine, I’d schooled my features into a neutral expression. I placed my hands on his hips, rubbing his hip bones with my thumbs to let him get used to my touch. Before I went any further, I checked in with my Light. The strain of it wasn’t unbearable, but it was definitely nudging me to Alec, wanting to bring him into the fold of our Bond. I locked it down tight. I closed the flow in and out of me and bolted that shit.