to kill yourself?” she whisper-hisses, cupping my face, studying me. “Why on Earth would you ever do that?”
Tears well at the surface almost immediately as the memories I keep trying to ignore, to forget, replay from start to finish. “I just couldn’t do it anymore, not after…Not after Peter left me. He was everything to me, my whole entire world and then some.”
“Oh, honey—that boy wasn’t worth your life. You know that, right?” Though her face was never hardened, it softens all the more.
I appreciate her kindness, but the pity in her eyes? I hate it. I didn’t knock upon death’s door for anyone to pity me, I did it because it’s what I had to do.
“Doesn’t matter anymore, too late now. What’s done is done.”
“True.” She releases me, falling back on her knees. “The deal has been sealed and—”
“No, it hasn’t. I haven’t fed yet.”
Again her eyes bulge as another burst of air escapes her throat. “What do you mean you haven’t fed yet? That’s the only way to complete the transition.”
“I know, but I was supposed to die out there. There wasn’t supposed to be a second chance for me.”
“Please don’t tell me you’re about to say what I think you are.”
“That I’ve decided not to feed?”
Silence.
“Tinks, you have to,” she murmurs after a beat. “Your life never should’ve ended over Peter, no matter how much you loved him and how heartbroken he left you. I don’t always agree with Hook, trust me, but you need to feed. Your mom would be devastated.”
“She’ll be devastated regardless. I know she loves my father, but I know she also wishes he were different, that he weren’t of his kind. Imagine if she were to find out Hook had turned me of his own accord after I tried to commit suicide. I can’t do it, Tigerlily. I refuse to put her through that, to live my life like...this. For as long as I can remember, I’ve hated what my father is and everything he stands for. I don’t want others to view me in that same obscure shadow, especially when the risk of exposing that side of myself doubles after I feed. I’ll pass on that.”
“But you were okay with having to put her through her only child’s death? She’ll love you in any state, Tinksley, she’s your mom. It’s like my dad, for instance. He may not fully agree with my choice, but as a leader, he understands why I decided so.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t kill yourself and then come back from the dead,” I argue, still cringing from the way her question resonated with me.
But you were okay with having to put her through her only child’s death?
She must have sensed the sudden chill of my demeanor because she crawls to my side and throws an arm around my shoulders. “Doesn’t matter. The point is, parents love unconditionally.”
“I don’t know. She may love me, but I’m not sure she’d ever forgive me for my choices, much less accept them.”
Don’t cry, Tinksley. Do not cry.
“You’ll never know if you don’t give her a chance, if you don’t give yourself a chance,” she offsets. “I know you’re scared—I mean, who wouldn’t be, but you’re going to be fine. I know you are.”
“You sound like the Captain,” I scoff, chuckling as I wipe away a single tear.
Tigerlily laughs, too. “What can I say? He’s rubbing off on me. The man isn’t all bad.”
He’s not. I know he’s not.
But I’m still angry with him.
Having to die once, despite it being my choice, was hard enough. Now I’m going to have to live through it again, in a completely different way. I’ve not worked out all the details yet, but what I have is that I’ll have to wither away.
And I’m sure it’s painful.
Choose to live, this diminutive voice whispers, and for a succinct moment, I allow myself to wonder what that would be like. Everyone seems to think I can do it, Tigerlily included. She and I have never been close, but we were friends, and I’ve always trusted her judgement.
So why can’t I seem to do the same now?
The next morning, I finally get to shower, something I’ve never been more thankful for in my life. After another night of tossing and turning, of ripping apart and dissecting every question possible that came to mind, I needed this.
Desperately.
I must have fallen asleep at one point, because I woke up to a modest, long sleeved nightgown placed neatly on the end of my