Upside Down (Breaking the Rules #3) - A.M. Madden Page 0,91
me. “How can I do that knowing what you still face once you get home? This could all be in vain.” He claimed he was all in, but he had no way of truly knowing that until he recalibrated and settled back into his real life. Not this honeymoon, of sorts, we’d had in Florida.
“And there you have it,” he said with a sad smile. “You still don’t trust my decision. You still think something or maybe even someone will have me changing my mind.”
Fuck. He was absolutely right.
Feeling defeated, I plopped in a chair, staring at my hands. “Well, tonight didn’t go as I planned.”
“No, but maybe Corey appearing out of the blue is the universe trying to get us to take a breather. We both knew this day was coming.” He came to where I sat and squatted between my spread knees. “This break will be good… for both of us. Without the hot sex, maybe we can use our other heads to gain clarity.”
“I like using sex to gain clarity,” I argued.
“I’m well aware.” He leaned up and kissed me before adding, “Thank you for loving me… even though I kind of knew you did.”
“Did you ever give me a choice?” I asked.
“I can argue the same for you.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Cooper
I did end up staying the night at Ricky’s, using the time to just be together. We stayed off the topic of our “loose ends” and refrained from sex. We did mess around, taking it back to the early days, when experimenting provided deliciously torturous foreplay. I think Ricky did that on purpose… satisfying my need just enough, yet leaving me with a vulgar hunger to take back home with me.
But come morning, reality set in. He seemed to be equally distraught, delaying my exit with lingering embraces and scorching kisses. For his benefit, I put the stress of figuring things out on both of us, even though he needed to steer our future. How long it would take would remain to be seen.
We agreed to give each other the space we needed. Being away from him would be my own special purgatory, and when I finally walked out of his condo, my chest hurt to the point I almost ran back in, forgetting all my concerns.
Until our heart-to-heart, I had considered moving my life there. Except for my parents, who were on the cusp of buying near Rebecca’s place for winters, and my brother, who was a workaholic, there was nothing keeping me in Jersey. Impressed with University of Miami’s English department, I had applied on Rebecca’s insistence after we’d returned from Indiana.
But knowing he still didn’t trust the shift in my sexuality meant that until he did, I’d be staying put. Having that come-to-Jesus moment with Ricky explained why he’d been holding back all along. His heart and body may have wanted me, but his head waved the same red flag as it had while with Corey.
My last day at Marco and Rebecca’s sucked for so many reasons. Getting her to understand why I was leaving early was not fun. She resorted to every tactic, even reminding me my apartment was still under a Life Swap contract, one that I’d purposely had expire at the end of July just in case this very situation happened… the need to leave Florida, specifically. Making it very clear she wasn’t on board with our separation, she did all she could to convince me to stay. Admitting I had fallen in love with Ricky but still needed time apart to work things out was what had her finally backing off.
Voicing my feelings out loud should’ve scared me. Instead, it helped me realize that I had never experienced a love like this. I now got it… I finally understood why those who were in love defended the need to do whatever it took to find your person. Yes, the man drove me insane on so many levels, but it felt like I’d left a piece of myself behind in Florida. That was monumental for me.
Since getting back to Jersey last night, memories of our time together continued to dominate my thoughts. I should’ve been unpacking but couldn’t bring myself to open the damn suitcase. Having him front and center in my mind made little room for much else. Even the daunting task of coming out to my siblings, and a few of my closest friends at the university, didn’t consume me as it should have.