to her. She accepted it, and soon after she said, “It’s warm, Cam.” She looked just past me. “It’s the warmest I’ve felt for a while….”
In a way, I hoped she wasn’t just talking about the jacket, but it was better not to think that way. When you think like that, you end up standing outside people’s houses, waiting for something that never comes.
She gave it back when we walked down to the gate and I opened it for her.
The moon was stuck to the sky and Octavia said, “The’s no point coming back really, is there?”
“Why?” I replied.
“Don’t why me, Cameron.” She looked away and glanced back. “Don’t worry about it.” Even when she leaned onto the gate with her hands and her voice became unsteady, Octavia looked great, and I don’t mean that in a dirty kind of way. I just mean that I liked her. I felt sorry for her, and for what Rube was doing to her. Her eyes smiled at me, for just a moment. One of those hurt smiles a person gives you to let you know they’re okay, even though they’re far from it.
After that, she left.
When she was just past the gate, I asked, “Octavia?” She turned around. “Y’ gonna come back?” “Maybe,” she smiled. “One day.”
She walked along our street and it was cold and brutal and beautiful. For a few seconds, I hated my brother Rube for what he was doing to her.
Also, watching her walk slowly up our street, I remembered what Rube had said about Octavia and him following me one day when I walked over to Glebe and stood outside Stephanie’s house. I could clearly see the image of them looking at me. Looking at me looking. She must have thought I was pathetic. A bit of a lonely bastard, as Rube put it. Maybe now, as she walked up the street, she knew how I felt.
Somehow, though, I understood that it was thoughts of Rube that filled her. Not thoughts of me. Maybe she was thinking of his hands on her, the thrill of it. Maybe it was laughter she remembered, or the words of a conversation. I would never know. I sat down again and Miffy jumped on my lap. As I watched Octavia, Miffy watched me, and when the girl had disappeared completely, the dog was giving me a certain look.
“What?” I asked him, but of course, he didn’t answer. The dog looked like he’d genuinely caught me out, but soon enough, he returned to his usual disgusting self, yawning in my face. “Your breath smells like a cesspool,” I said, and we waited for Rube.
He came in late for dinner and the old man gave him a good serve for it, as well as for leaving Octavia out to dry. I made sure to keep out of it. All I did was hang around with Miffy until Rube came out.
It was absolutely bloody freezing now and I wasn’t in the mood.
The air was cold enough for us to wear our hoods indefinitely, and to watch the smoke pour from our mouths when we breathed.
Smoke came from Miffy’s mouth too, especially when he had a bit of a coughing fit. That was when we quickened the pace for home.
Later, we watched TV.
I looked over at my brother. He could sense it. “What?” he said.
I was on the couch and Rube was in the worn-through chair.
“Is Octavia gone?” He looked.
First away. The back at me. Yes.
That was the answer and Rube knew he didn’t have to say it.
“There a new one?”
Again, he didn’t have to answer.
“What’s her name?”
He waited a while, then said it. “Julia … but relax, Cam — I haven’t done anything yet.” I nodded.
I nodded and swallowed and I wished hard that it didn’t have to be this way, for Octavia. I couldn’t have cared less about Rube at this point. I thought only of the poor girl, and I thought of a time a few years ago when Sarah got dumped by this one particular guy. I remembered how shattered she was, especially when she found out there was another girl.
Rube and I hated the guy who did that.
We wanted to kill him.
Rube especially.
Now that guy was Rube.
For a moment, I nearly mentioned it, but all I did was sit there stupidly and look at Rube’s face, side-on. There was no remorse in him. Almost no trace of thought about what he was doing.
Julia.
I could only wonder what she’d be like.
The