sharp-toothed creatures disappearing back into the night again. She was in a coffee house, in Amsterdam. She was safe.
She felt his hand smooth her hair back from her face; she saw sadness in his eyes. ‘Lee.’
She took a breath, stepping back, feeling her legs take the weight again. ‘I’m okay.’
‘What just happened?’
She took another step back. She needed air, to get away. Everyone was staring at her. Sam. The girl behind the counter. A man in a brown uniform with just a tray and no cups. A man with brown eyes.
Brown eyes.
She looked away and did what she should have done back then.
She ran.
Chapter Fifteen
The morning light was soft in her room, diffuse, as though she was looking at it through a veil. For a few rare moments she had a feeling of utter peace, as though nothing bad ever could happen, and never had. But the sound of breathing beside her intruded on her consciousness and she turned her head to find Jasper fast asleep next to her. She sighed, anxiety pinching at her; she didn’t remember him coming in, which was a sure sign the nightmares must have been bad. They were getting steadily worse again; more often than not now, she was waking to find him beside her, his tiny hand in hers.
She felt her heart break. This was all wrong. She should be protecting him.
He was lying on his side and curled up like a shrimp, his thumb in his mouth as he clutched Ducky; she wriggled over and kissed his temple tenderly, loving that he still had his baby smell. She always used to tell him that, even blindfolded, she would be able to travel the world and find him by the smell of his head alone.
She watched him as he slept, untroubled. Unbroken. Somehow, in spite of everything, in spite of her, he was perfect—
Her phone buzzed with a text and she reached for it. ‘Are you awake?’
The number wasn’t logged in her phone, and yet she knew exactly who it was from.
‘Why?’ she replied.
‘I’m on your doorstep.’
She stared at the words, feeling her muscles clench in unwelcome surprise as the full reality of her wholly imperfect world crashed back into her consciousness. Yesterday’s panic attack – he’d come for an explanation. She had run out on him when all he’d done was help.
She slid out of bed and pulled the duvet over Jasper’s shoulders. She kissed him on the temple again and slipped from the room, tying her dressing gown – a vintage kimono – over her pyjamas. She quickly brushed her teeth and ran some drops of serum over her face. It was as far as her efforts towards early morning acceptability went.
She unlocked the various bolts, locks and chains, and Sam got up from sitting on her top step. He looked at her carefully, as though searching for signs of bruises. ‘You left this.’ He held out her tartan coat, carefully bundled in a roll.
‘Oh!’ She had forgotten all about it yesterday; she hadn’t felt the cold as she’d raced through the streets, back home, onto the sofa where she had slept dreamlessly, heavily, until it had been time to collect Jasper; the flashbacks always drained her. She had been steeling herself to go back to the coffee house today to collect it. ‘Thank you.’
She clutched it to her, unable to meet his gaze. ‘. . . Do you want to come in?’
He shook his head. ‘No. I just wanted to catch you before you left for the day.’
‘Oh.’ She shifted her weight, knowing she had to explain herself. Give him something to understand. ‘Look, Sam—’
But he stepped forward and silenced her with a kiss. Nothing dramatic. It wasn’t like the urgent first kiss in the kitchen that had left her feeling so confused, wanting more; this was gentle, soft. Complete. It said what words couldn’t. It told her that words weren’t needed.
He stepped back again. ‘Goodbye, Lee.’
Mute, floored, she watched him go down the steps. Was that it? No one had ever kissed her before without it leading to something. A kiss had never been just a kiss, in her experience.
His bike was propped against the lamp post and he cocked a leg over the top frame, glancing back at her before he pedalled off. No wink, no smile, no intimacy to hint at the moment they’d just shared. Like she might almost have imagined the whole thing.
Heart still booming, she watched him pedal out of sight, turning onto the