and said, “So, tell me, Skip O’Rourke. Why did I get fired?”
I looked him in the eyes and said, “The hell if I know. My mother’s a patient in the O’Neil Pavilion, and I’m just filling in until they find somebody permanent.”
My answer seemed to satisfy him, and he took a step back. “It’s not a bad job, actually.”
“If you like the smell of pee.”
“Well, there’s that,” he said with a laugh. “To be honest, I got to the point where I couldn’t smell it anymore.”
“Hopefully, it won’t get to that point for me.” I nodded at the Lincoln Navigator parked behind him and said, “Nice car.”
“Thanks. I’m about to lose it.”
“Why?”
“The money I made off the meds I stole went to the payments. Now I work in a furniture store, and the stuff’s too big to steal.”
“Life can be challenging that way.”
“That’s the other reason I’m here. I have clients who still need pills. Want to go into business with me?”
I gave him the once-over. Even if I was stupid enough to sell drugs there was no way I’d do it with somebody like Frank. Then my mind flashed to the pills in my mother’s medicine cabinet, and I thought about selling him those. Except that was a dumb idea, too, and smelled way too much like something an O’Rourke would do. I shook my head. “Thanks, but I don’t think so.”
“It’s easy money. The inventory system here sucks, and the only reason I got caught was that somebody didn’t know how to keep their mouth shut.”
I hopped off the loading dock. “Sorry, Frank, I don’t deal drugs.”
“Okay, but could you do me a favor? If you happen to find out who ratted on me would you give me a call?”
“Sure,” I said, and entered his number in my iPhone. It was all an act because I already knew who had ratted him out: my mother. While not surprising, this struck me as more than a little hypocritical considering the lesson she’d given me on the same subject thirteen years earlier.
We were working the Fine Jewelry counter at the Macy’s, and as my mother asked the saleslady to show her an expensive gold bracelet, I turned around and jammed an entire pack of Little Debbie Cloud Cakes into my mouth. This was no small feat considering I was only four years old, but I’d spent two days practicing and had mastered the fine art of stuffing my face without gagging. I chewed and chewed, and on my mother’s cue I began spitting up Cloud Cake all over the place.
“Oh my God,” the saleslady shrieked. “Is he all right?”
Of course I was all right, and so was my mother who took advantage of the saleslady’s concern to swap the gold bracelet in her hand with a fake one from Target.
“I’m so sorry,” my mother said when the switch was complete. “Is there a bathroom around here someplace?”
“On the second floor.”
“Can you make it that far, honey?” she asked.
“No,” I replied in the most pathetic voice I could muster. “I think I’m gonna be sick again.”
“Then I better take you outside.” She lifted me up, and as we headed for the exit she turned back to the saleslady and said, “Can you put that bracelet on hold for me until tomorrow? My name is Fisher. Martha Fisher.”
“Hurry, Mama,” I moaned. “Hurry, please.”
The key to this scam was getting the saleslady to put the bracelet in the hold bin as quickly as possible. Even a mediocre salesperson can spot a fake piece of jewelry after a couple of minutes, and at a high-end place like Macy’s it takes less than that. Unfortunately, my mother failed to notice the white carnation pinned to the saleslady’s blouse. A white carnation is Macy’s code for a senior manager, which meant the woman had been dealing with weasels for years. We were barely halfway across the store when an alert went out over the PA system, and security came after us.
“Listen, Sonny,” my mother whispered as she slipped the real bracelet into my jeans. “The guards are going to grab me, but I want you to keep on running. Don’t stop until you get away, then find a pay phone and call Grandpa Patsy. He’ll know what to do.”
“I’m scared, Mama.”
“I know you are, baby. Just do what I said and everything will be okay. Quick, what’s Grandpa Patsy’s phone number?”
“555-7396.”
“Good.” She squeezed my arm and said, “Here come the security guards. Are you going to