your ass, son,” Coach Lander says with a smile, trying to put me at ease.
I put my hands up letting him know this wasn’t all me. It wasn’t me at all. I would have never done this without Cash. “Well, if it wasn’t for Cash giving me a pep talk… I wouldn’t be here.”
He waves his hand dismissively. “Doesn’t matter. You’re coming around, Landon, that’s all that matters. We’re gonna get through this. I promise you. Next year is a whole new season. You’re biggest season ever. NFL scouts will be watching your every move. You’re always in the limelight but hopefully with your appeal it will be overlooked.”
I nod in agreement, knowing he’s probably right. “Do you think they’d actually overlook this?”
“It’s been overlooked before. You’re not the first player in the NCAA to have a drug problem, Landon. Look at the NFL.” He laughs. “Everybody makes mistakes.”
He’s right. They do. It’s just never felt like this before.
“I’d like to actually talk to the guys before they go out on the field. Think that would be okay? I’ll make it quick.”
He smiles proudly. “We’d love it, son.”
After the team finishes with the warm up Coach calls all the players together. He gives his speech about doing what we’ve been doing the whole season.
Play together as a team.
Be brothers.
You sweat. We sweat.
Fast hard finish.
Win the day.
Same thing he’s said to us all year but today it means something different to me.
His eyes flick to mine and I nod letting him know I’m ready and still want to do this.
Suddenly I’m nervous. I’m sweating even though it’s pretty chilly in here, my hands are shaking and my stomach flips around. I’m standing beside Cash, who nudges me with his elbow and gives me a head nod. I close my eyes for a brief second and take a deep breath. This is for Steven, for me, for my team, for my friends and hopefully my soon-to-be wife if I can get my shit together.
“Landon,” Coach calls my name.
The guys open a pathway for me so that I can stand in the center. All their eyes are on me. I tuck my hands in my warm-up pants. I’m not playing so there is no reason for me to suit up but I’m here for my team and wearing my warm-up out is the right thing to do.
“So, I know most of you are looking at me and shaking your heads at how stupid I’ve been these last three years. I’m doing the same thing. I feel stupid for what I’ve done. Some of you think that this is even normal for me. I promise you it’s not. I’m not this guy. The problem is I’m not even sure I know that kid I used to be. Life has a way of doing that to you. If I had to say when that change happened, I’d say it was my senior year of high school. Three years ago after Canby High School won the state championship… that night I lost my best friend in a car accident. He…” I feel my chest constrict with pain. “He died because I was being stupid.”
I look around the room to the guys. Some of them are in shock. Some are shaking their heads. And some are looking at me with pity in their eyes and I hate that the absolute worst.
I shake my head. “I’m not telling you guys this because I want your pity. I’m telling you guys this because you all deserve an explanation as to what the hell I’ve been doing with over these last three years. I don’t deserve to be here. Steven should be here playing with you guys. He deserves to be here. I know some of you think I should be too, that the past doesn’t matter.” I shoot a glance at Cash and he gives me a reassuring smile. “I made a bad decision that night. We were all celebrating but I couldn’t wait until we got to where we were going. I was drinking and smoking and carrying on. I thought it would be a good idea to hang out of the sunroof. I felt like I was flying.”
My eyes mist over. I’ve never talked about that night. Once I talked about it with the police I never spoke of it again, not like I am now.
“A car was coming around the bend with their high beams on and it blinded us all. I was being begged to