whiskey first. I unscrewed the lid and poured it in the toilet and watched as every ounce emptied out. I flushed it and then grabbed the baggy of weed. I opened it and tossed the weed in the toilet next. I stopped with my hand on the handle. I looked over to Macy. “I’m sorry I chose this over you, Macy.”
She smiled, sadly.
I flushed the last of my drugs away. I feel bare, exposed that I have nothing to hide behind now. I’ve got to deal with everything head on. I’ve got to rely on myself from here on out if I’m ever going to do right by Macy again. Even our could-be baby. For Steven. For all of us.
“I love you, Landon,” Macy said.
“I love you too.”
I went home to Canby for Christmas. It was quiet for the most part. I felt lost. I’ve been numb for so long I forgot what normal feels like. I’ve been getting high for years and not had to truly participate in life. My mom cries almost every time she sees me, asks herself where she went wrong raising me. I reassured her this has nothing to do with her. This was all on me. Dad gives me a sympathetic smile when we pass each other in the house. He knows I’m going to get help and I’m going to fix this one way or the other.
Macy and I slept together every night that I was home last week. It was the only way I could sleep. Not having something to relax me every day is leaving me with some anxiety. My biggest fear is that I won’t be enough for her. It’s not the darkness that scares me anymore; I’m used to that. It’s the light. It’s her.
For the first time in a very long time I’m seeing things clearly. I have to fix this for myself. To prove to Steven and everyone else that I can do it. That I’m worth it.
Back at school I’m sitting on the bench in the locker room lost in my own world. I know I’m not playing in the Bowl but I’m still part of this team and I’m not leaving them high and dry. So I’ve been practicing with them every day.
Cash comes in and claps me on the shoulder. “You want to have a beer tonight? Just one?”
I shouldn’t but one won’t hurt me. Plus, I’ll be with Cash and I know for a fact that that’s all he’ll let me have.
“Yeah.”
“Wanna go to Taylor’s?”
“Sure thing.”
Cash and I change and make our way to Taylor’s. It’s time I come clean with Cash. “The NCAA pulled my scholarship.”
He nods, “What are you going to do?”
“My dad hired a lawyer but for now I can stay in school, just have to pay for my tuition. I might have to pay back what they gave me too… but I can also petition to have the suspension lifted after the first of the year since the toxicity report showed such low levels. Coach says the suspension will be lifted for playing next year but could be sooner if I appeal. My dad appealed.”
“That’s not too bad then. I mean they could have kicked you out of school, couldn’t they?”
“I suppose.” I hate that I’ve done this to my life. What the fuck was I thinking? Oh, that’s right. I wasn’t. “I’m not going to the game.”
Cash frowns at me. “Why not?”
“It’s just… it’s hard, man. I feel like I let everyone down.”
“You did.”
It’s the truth.
“What does not showing up say about you? What kind of message does that send to the team?”
He’s got a point and I nod. I don’t answer him though. Cash has always been straightforward with me. He doesn’t bullshit. He flipped the tables and now I see it from his point of view and I know then that I’m going to that game. To be there for him and my brothers.
December 30, 2013
San Antonio, Texas
Valero Alamo Bowl
Being back with the team seems a little unreal and nightmarish at the same time. I didn’t want to go and I don’t feel like I should even be here surrounded by them. I didn’t think I deserved to go but after Cash talked me into it and pointed out that I was still a part of the team whether I was suspended or not I thought it was best to support my team.