or the jet ride to Boston or the five weeks in the hospital. Was Claire the only one who remembered? She looked at Zack and thought, I am so sorry, buddy.
The party was lovely, the food delicious, the cake charming. Zack was fine, Claire told herself. He was whole and healthy and loved.
As Claire was clearing the dishes, Siobhan, who had consumed no small amount of wine herself, wiped the lenses of her glasses on her dinner napkin and said, “Guess who I caught going to confession last week?”
Claire’s heart went into a free fall; she said nothing. Jason and Carter said, “Who?”
And Siobhan said, “Claire.”
Claire set the dishes in the sink and turned on the water, full blast and hot.
Carter said, “Got something on your conscience, Claire?”
Siobhan said, “Something big, I’d say.”
Steam rose from the sink. Jason said, “Hey, now, leave her alone. You know Claire, always stopping her car so the guinea hens can cross, instead of running them off the road like the rest of us do. She’s as pure as the driven snow.”
They all laughed at that, and the matter was forgotten. When, at the end of the night, Claire kissed Siobhan good-bye, Siobhan tasted bitter, like antiseptic.
And even later, when Jason came to bed, he stroked Claire’s hip and said, “I understand why you went to confession. We’re lucky to have him, you know? We’re lucky the little guy is alive.”
The next morning, Claire took Zack to Dr. Patel’s office for his twelve-month shots. Claire had checked her e-mail—nothing—and she checked her cell phone every twenty minutes for a text message. Surely Lock could send a text message?
Zack was gaining weight, he was getting taller, and his eyes looked good, as did his ears, nose, and throat; his lungs were clear, his reflexes automatic. He screamed during the shots, yowled so that Claire tensed every muscle in her body, but then she held him and gave him his pacifier and he calmed down.
Gita Patel smiled at Claire and said, “He looks great. Do you have any concerns?”
“I look at him,” Claire said, “and I feel something isn’t right.”
“Something like what?” Dr. Patel said.
“Like he’s not developing fast enough. He can’t walk. He doesn’t crawl on his hands and knees. He cries all the time. He doesn’t have any words. He isn’t active or engaged like my other kids were.”
Dr. Patel put a finger out. Zack grabbed it. She held his hands and he took a few steps down the examining table. She tickled his feet, and he smiled, then started crying.
“See?” Claire said.
“He’s fine, Claire,” Dr. Patel said.
“He was so little when he was born,” Claire said. “He was intubated for so long. I shouldn’t have been in the hot shop. It was irresponsible.” She picked Zack up and hugged him. “I feel so guilty.”
“He’s fine, Claire. He’s going to be fine. Kids develop at different rates, even siblings. Okay? If I had any doubts, I would tell you, but I don’t.”
“You’re sure?”
“I’m sure.”
Dr. Patel put her hand on Claire’s arm, and this gesture and the words were so comforting that Claire nearly said, I have a lover, Lock Dixon, and he’s in Tortola with his wife. I miss him. I need him. Father Dominic says I have to stop, but it’s beyond me. Sometimes I can’t believe this is really me because I am not like this. I’m a good person, or I always had been until this thing. Can you help me?
“Thank you,” Claire said.
Bad day followed bad day. Lock was away, still away. How was he filling all those hours with Daphne? Claire thought of Daphne, breasts spilling out of her bathing suit, swimming in a pool with an infinity edge while some cute British butler brought her a planter’s punch. Claire considered e-mailing Lock and telling him about the visit with Dr. Patel; he would be interested in this, he would be happy to hear Claire repeat Dr. Patel’s words, but no, she would not contact him first. He had yet to send her a single e-mail. So . . . if he was wondering how things here were going, let him wonder!
Siobhan called to say that Carter had had an unexpected windfall, and to celebrate, they were throwing a drinks party. Martinis and munchies, Saturday night. This raised Claire’s spirits. Lock was with Daphne in Tortola, but Claire had a wild, rollicking party to attend. She would get perniciously drunk.
Claire was all keyed up for Saturday night. Carter and Siobhan