yelled at me, saying how unsafe it was for me to be near that kind of bird. I was devastated. Not only had I learned it wasn't an owl, but he'd made me feel silly. I remember going home in tears at my failure."
"That's a lovely story, Grace. I can tell how much you cared for your dad."
I nod, keeping my eyes on the road. If I look at him right now I'm pretty sure I'll cry. I feel overwhelmed by sadness in leaving my home. It’s where I had grown up. Where my parents had died. I think to that day, the day I stood on the banks of the Cuyahoga and watched their ashes sink into the river. It feels like I am abandoning them somehow. I don’t speak much after that. We fly through the Carolina's but get snarled up in Georgia. We finally reach an exit on the far side of the city and call it a day. There had been some small hope of reaching Tampa that night, but we're tired and decide to make a fresh start of it the next morning. I don’t mind the delay. It only means another day before accepting I do not live in Cleveland anymore. We find a hotel and get checked in, again with two double beds. This place is much nicer and more updated than the motel we had stayed in the night before. I pass the bed closer to the door and set my bag on the one further away.
"Room service?"
"That sounds wonderful. I don't want to get back in the car anytime soon," I reply.
"My treat."
I smile at him and shake my head. He had tried to pay for the room this time, but I refused. It didn’t feel right. He already paid for his plane ticket and didn't let me pay him back. I won't let him pay for either of the rooms. We take our time looking at the menu. I end up ordering pancakes, which makes Ryan laugh. I like breakfast foods, and the only other thing that sounds appealing to me is a hamburger, and we've already had that two nights in a row. Ryan orders a chicken dish and dessert for both of us.
I don't feel the same sense of overwhelming exhaustion I felt the day before. Today, home feels so far away. I still wonder if I live somewhere else, will it still be my home? I had not realized how hard this would be. I thought I wasn’t leaving anything behind. Now I understood better how that had been wrong. I'm confused about Ryan. I wonder if he likes me. I guess I know he likes me, but wonder if he likes me likes me. There had been that night at Kate's when I thought he might kiss me. Do I even want him to like me like that?
He’s nice, and I’m attracted to him, but I'm just so unsure about everything. Most of all, I'm sad and am not even sure why. It's like there are so many things in my mind that it’s overflowing: leaving, missing my parents, feeling like I failed with Jon, being unemployed, not knowing what I have gotten myself into. Each concern washes over me in a seemingly endless loop, some of them lasting longer than others. I wish I had someone to talk to about it. It’s a lot to deal with all by myself. The idea of talking to Ryan about it is embarrassing, but I don’t know what else to do.
He seems to pick up on it, and while we wait for our food, say, "Grace, you seem a bit down. Everything okay?"
I sit on the edge of my bed "I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just feel overwhelmed."
He pulls a chair over and sits in front of me "I can understand how leaving home feels."
"Do you ever get homesick?" I ask, looking down at my hands.
"Sure."
"But you still have family there and a reason to go back" I argue.
He reaches out and puts his hand on mine "Grace, you never need a reason to go back. If you're ever homesick, you can go back and visit any time."
I look up at him "I'm just scared it wouldn’t feel like home anymore."
"After some time it probably won't. Things will change, and if you aren’t there to see it happen, it will feel strange and different. The first time I went home was after a new shopping