keep most of my possible outbursts to myself.
I’m not successful all of the time. One weekend morning, after Jon finishes his breakfast, he puts the plate and silverware in the sink without washing them. I am sitting on the sofa watching TV when I see him do this and explode. I ask if he assumed that I am his maid and that he had another thing coming if he actually thinks I will clean up after him ever again. In fact, I go on that he should be cleaning up after me as a way to pull his own weight. Once he is done with his dishes, he can go ahead and take care of the laundry. Downstairs, of course. I still do not trust Jon with my car keys.
Even though there is an improvement in our relationship, it seems false. When I get home from work, Jon tells me about all of the places he applied. I never check, but I always wonder if he is lying, or at the least exaggerating. A few times, Jon attempts to initiate intimacy between us. I kiss him but nothing more. I cannot get that image of him in our front room with his shoulders shrugged inward out of my mind. It repulsed me then and still does now. Jon does not press me, though, which I am grateful for and concerned about all at the same time.
I'm still angry. I have counted backwards by sevens so many times I now have the numbers memorized and need to start using a different number: eleven. I become hyper aware of wherever Jon is in relation to me in our apartment. If we are both in the front room watching TV, I can feel myself becoming annoyed at the way he is breathing. Why does he have to breathe so loudly? Is he congested? God, that noise! Why doesn’t he just blow his nose? And the way he walks around the apartment. Does he have to walk on his heels? Yet, if he walks quietly, I get equally annoyed, wondering if he’s doing it on purpose to sneak up on me.
While Jon is no longer snapping at me, I feel no renewed affection for him. I no longer feel like my head will be bitten off out of nowhere but we do not feel like a couple either. We still sleep in the same bed, but we go to sleep at different times, so we aren’t ever both in bed and awake at the same time. Even around the apartment we seem to gravitate away from each other. I wonder if the only reason Jon is even still there is because he has nowhere else to go. That’s not true, though. He could always move back home or since Jon has always been everyone's best friend he probably has plenty of people that would let him stay with them. What is keeping him here? Is it me?
I am not sure if I love him anymore. I am also sure that we will never go back to what we were. Too much has happened since then. Depending on my mood, I consider asking him to leave, but the idea of being all alone scares me. We have been together for over three years, and most of that had been good. I drive back and forth from work trying to decide what to do over and over again. I imagine the freedom of no longer supporting Jon, of being single again. What stops me is basically how unconfrontational I am. Those blow-ups with Jon had been nurtured within me for a year.
I had finally admitted I was angry and wasn’t going to allow Jon to kick me around anymore. Considering how long it finally took me to stand up for myself, how long will it take me to build up the courage to ask him to leave? We basically ignore the holidays this year. No decorations, no parties, no gifts. I am thrilled when it’s all over. It’s pointless to pretend to be happy. But if I’m not going to leave Jon, this will be my new life. I don’t want to spend the rest of my days like this but am hesitant about changing anything. I keep most of what I am feeling inside. Some days I feel really nostalgic, reminiscing over happier days. This feeling usually goes one of two ways; sadness over what we have lost and anger that we allowed it to