matter of being worthy,” Keton said, coughing into his sleeve. “It’s a matter of tradition. Besides, they wouldn’t want a girl taking the emperor’s measurements.”
I blushed in spite of myself. “I’ll go as you, Keton Tamarin.”
“Baba would never agree to this.”
“Baba doesn’t have to know.”
Keton shook his head. “And here I always thought you were the obedient one.” He leaned back with a resigned sigh. “It’s dangerous.”
“Keton, please. I need to do this. For us. For—”
“This is exactly why you shouldn’t go,” my brother interrupted. “Stop trying to convince me. If you’re going to act like a boy, you can’t think like a girl. Don’t stare at the floor so much. Look a man in the eyes when you speak, and never hesitate.”
I quickly lifted my gaze. “I’m not trying to convince you! And I don’t always hesitate.” Then I looked down again.
Keton groaned.
“Sorry! I can’t help it. It’s habit.”
“You’re never going to pass as a boy,” he said. “You bite your lips and stare at the floor. And when you’re not staring at the floor, you’re staring at the sky.”
I looked up, indignant. “I am not!”
“More of that,” Keton encouraged. “More shouting. Boys are angry and arrogant. They like to be the best at everything.”
“I think that’s just you, Keton.”
“If only I had time to train you.”
“I grew up with the three of you. I know what boys are like.”
“Do you?” Keton frowned. “You’re a village girl, Maia. You’re inexperienced in the ways of the world. You’ve spent your life sewing in the corner of our shop.”
“And now I’ll be spending my days sewing in the back of the palace.”
He made a face, as if that proved his point. “Just try not to talk too much. Don’t draw attention to yourself.” He leaned back, his arms behind his head. “People will see what they want to see.”
The sad wisdom in his voice reminded me of Baba. “What do you mean?”
“Exactly that,” he said. “You sew better than anyone in this world. Focus on that, not on whether you’re a girl or boy.” He propped himself up with his elbows, studying me. “Finlei was right. From the back you really do look like a boy. And with all your freckles, you’re not pale like most girls….Baba lets you spend too much time out in the sun—”
“Someone has to collect the silkworms,” I said irritably.
“You don’t have that many curves, either.” He squinted at me. “And your voice isn’t very melodious. You’ve never been good at music.”
I almost threw his clothes at him for the insult. “I’m not trying to become a concubine.”
Keton clucked his tongue. “Don’t wrinkle your nose so much, and try not to smile.”
“Like this?” I asked. I imitated the grimace he made when he was sleeping.
“Better.” He leaned back, a small smile on his lips. But it disappeared as quickly as it had come. “Are you sure you want to do this? If the emperor finds out…if anyone finds out…”
“I’ll be killed,” I finished for him. “I know.”
But this was the best way to take care of my family. My chance to become a real tailor, the best tailor in all of A’landi.
“It’ll be good money,” I said firmly. “I’ll send all of it home. Besides…” I managed a smile. “I already cut my hair.”
Keton sighed. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but be careful.”
“I will.”
“I’ll expect plenty of stories about the girls at court when you get back,” my brother said lightly. “And about Emperor Khanujin.” He tensed. “Maybe you’ll even see the shansen.”
“I promise,” I said softly. “I’ll come back full of stories.”
I glanced at the cane I had bought Keton when he first came home a month ago. He’d never touched it. How could he use it, when he could barely move his legs?
“Take it,” he said, watching me.
The wood was rough, and it bit into my palm. Good—some pain would remind me to stay on my guard.
“Promise me you’ll try to walk?” I said to him. “A little every day.”
“I’ll take a step for every day that you’re gone.”
That was enough to solidify my decision. I kissed my brother on the forehead. “Then I’ll hope to be gone a long time.”
* * *
• • •
While Baba slept, Keton drilled me on how to act like a boy. How to laugh deeply from my stomach, how to grunt with satisfaction after a good meal, how to grimace after drinking a strong cup of wine. He taught me not to apologize