I point at my chest and then at his. “This is over.”
“Never.” He shakes his head.
“It was over the minute you touched her,” I say, and then I look down at the ground and then up again. “It was over the minute you lied to me.”
“I never lied to you,” he says, his voice broken. “Never.”
“It is what it is, Jacob.” My voice comes out monotone, matching my heart. “Please don’t follow me.” I turn to walk away and stop turning. For eight years, I’ve hated him in my head, and for eight years, I dreamed of this moment to confront him. I thought I was going to be stronger, thought I would be a hard ass and demand answers. “For eight years, I’ve thought of this, right here. I thought that you could give me answers. I thought you could tell me, but now I know it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters because in the end you chose her.” I shrug now, keeping the sob at bay. “It would have been magical,” I say. “It would have been everything that I’ve ever dreamed of.”
“What would?” he asks, and I see a tear roll down his cheek.
“Our life.” I take one last look at him, and then I turn to make my way back to my house. I shed all of my tears, or what I feel are all my tears. Walking past the barn, I see that the only light on at Casey’s house is the porch light. I turn to walk toward my parents’ house, and I walk up the five steps to the porch, but instead of going into the house, I kick off my boots and walk to the porch swing. Sitting on the swing, I look off into the darkness of the night. My head hangs forward, suddenly too heavy to hold up.
The door creaks open, and I look over to see my mother coming out. She’s dressed in a white plush robe I sent her last year for Christmas. “Did I wake you?”
“No,” she says to me, coming over and sitting next to me, holding my hand in hers. My head falls to her shoulder. “Jacob called.”
“I love him,” I say softly.
“I know, baby,” she says, and I look at her and see she has her own tears running down her face. Leaning back, she lets go of my hand to put her arm around my shoulder, and I lie down with my head in her lap. She plays with my hair as she swings us.
“Tomorrow,” I say softly, my eyes getting heavy. “Tomorrow I’ll work on not loving him.”
Chapter Seventeen
Jacob
She stood there in front of me, each word stabbing me in the chest. Each time, I wanted to tell her the biggest secret of my life. Each time, I wanted to take her in my arms. Yet each time, the lie stopped me.
The kiss was everything that I remember but even better. I haven’t kissed anyone in eight years. I haven’t touched anyone in eight years. I haven’t because no one could measure up to her.
“It is what it is, Jacob.” Her voice came out like there was nothing left inside her. The fight was gone. “Please don’t follow me.” She turns and walks away from me, and I’m about to take a step toward her when she stops and turns around and looks at me. “For eight years, I’ve thought of this, right here. I thought that you could give me answers. I thought you could tell me, but now I know it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters because in the end you chose her.” She shrugs, and I want to fucking shout that it’s not true. That I would never do anything to hurt her. “It would have been magical,” she tells me. “It would have been everything that I’ve ever dreamed up.”
“What would?” I ask, and now my own tears start to come.
“Our life,” she whispers and walks away from me. My legs actually give out on me, and I fall to my knees. I take out my phone and call the number I will always remember.
“Hello,” Charlotte says, answering the phone after one ring.
“Hey, it’s Jacob,” I say, my voice breaking.
“What happened?” she asks me, frantically, and I hear the covers rustle.
“I …” I start, “Kallie is on her way home.”
“Okay,” she says in a whisper.
“I’m going to make sure she gets there okay, but I won’t be with her.”
“I’ll be watching,” she says. Just as I’m about to hang up