obligation of last resort. But he now saw the hope of it, the faith in the promise itself.
“Is he going to be all right?” asked Rachel.
“We’re going to take him to the hospital,” said the medic. “Make sure everything’s okay. He was in there for a while.”
“But was it me in there?” Jericho asked. “Or the person I used to be?”
* * *
—
Stu brought Sarah back to his dorm room, where they changed into dry clothes. She perched on the very edge of Jericho’s bed, wrapped in Stu’s comforter.
“You can lie down,” he said, and Sarah inched back on the mattress. She had gone oddly quiet. “You must be tired.”
When his mother answered the phone, the eagerness in her voice gave him a pang.
“Mom, call Karen.”
“I’ll tell her,” said his mother, after he explained what had happened. “Maybe it wasn’t the right time for him.”
Stu said his goodbyes and hung up. “So that’s done,” he said. He collapsed back onto his unmade bed and slipped between the sheets. “I’ve never felt so exhausted.”
“Would you come with me to visit him tomorrow?” said Sarah. She was still sitting up, a twitchy, staring huddle. “Maybe we could bring him something to read.”
“That’s a nice idea,” he said, flexing his thawing feet. “You’re a good friend.” But when he looked back at Sarah, her cheeks were wet.
“No, I’m not,” she said. “He nearly died. And it’s all my fault.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “And weirdly I almost get it now. What are you supposed to do with all these feelings? It’s unbearable. I wish I could just clobber myself until they go away. Or, say, jump in the river.”
“Don’t joke about that.” Stu was unnerved by the way she was rhythmically clenching her fingers into her palms. “Anyway, it’s not your fault.”
“How can I be sure? How can I ever be sure that something I do isn’t going to turn out to be a terrible mistake? I’ve been so focused on my own choices, I never stopped to think about what they might mean for other people. What if I hurt someone else?” She swallowed, her eyes still closed. “Would you play something? I think it would help me calm down.”
“If you like.” He got out of bed and reached for his guitar. When he finished, she opened her eyes.
“Can you keep going?” She flipped up the hood on the sweatshirt she’d borrowed and leaned back on Jericho’s pillows. Tears were still leaking down her face. “You know, that’s the kind of thing you should play. Not like that stuff with Trus before.”
“Oh?” The Green Screen set already felt like another night. “How so?”
“It’s very…proficient.” Diplomacy lingered like a stray hair on her brow. “But I couldn’t really get into it. I guess I prefer songs with lyrics.”
Sarah’s gaze was too tender for Stu’s taste. It hinted of pity. He felt a tremulousness building in his gut, the tension of an unresolved chord. He smiled so brightly that it almost felt real. “Fair enough.”
“You know that stuff you played at Birdy’s by yourself that first time? That was good.” Sarah sat up again and used her sleeve to wipe her eyes. “It reminded me of Neil Young a little bit, the way you had songs in the voices of specific characters. Though I think you could try writing in your own voice, just about normal things, and that would be pretty interesting, too.”
He felt the truth of what she said. After the events in the river, the night had taken on a new vibrancy. “Everything is a song in one way or another,” he said.
Sarah nodded. “Just play. Please. It helps.” Her eyes were closing.
A melody was starting to tease the back of his mind, as he thought about a girl’s jangly laugh echoing across an alley. The patterns of frost on his bedroom window. The strong, blunt fingers of his father, shared by Stu himself. And just sitting there in quiet camaraderie with Sarah after midnight, wondering if having no map might be fine after all.
Excerpt from “Empty Grave”
Lyrics by Dove Suite
No one cares what they know
They just try to behave
Till the day they catch sight of
An empty grave
And that river rose
Oh, my river rose
And no one remembers
The promise I gave to
Keep you one step away
From your empty grave
Keep it waiting
Keep it waiting
OWEN
AUGUST 2020
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