around. I just meant I don’t want a woman who’s got absolutely nothing going on that doesn’t revolve around me, and yet, she can still ingloriously follow me around—”
Zander interrupts, “So, by that logic, do I ‘ingloriously’ follow Aloha around, since I’ve got absolutely nothing going on in my life that doesn’t revolve around her?”
“Oh, for the love of fuck!” Colin shouts, throwing up his arms. “Of course not, Z. You’re Aloha’s personal bodyguard! Your actual job is following her around the world. There’s nothing inglorious about that. My point is I want someone to follow me around the world and be interesting enough for me not to get totally bored with her!” He shakes his head with exasperation. “What’s in this weed tonight? Anabolic steroids? Jesus.”
“Hey, Col,” Keane says, a mischievous twinkle in his blue eyes. “I’m planning to take a bunch of time off work after my baby arrives. Will that count as ingloriously dropping everything for my wife and kid?”
Colin screams in frustration, and Keane bursts out laughing.
“I was kidding,” Keane says. “I wasn’t even listening to whatever bullshit you said. I just heard the word ‘inglorious’ and thought it was kewl.”
“It’s a good word,” Zander agrees. “Use it in a sentence, Peenie Weenie. That’s the best way to remember a new word.”
Keane purses his lips in contemplation. And then, “Despite his rock-hard abs and smolder to die for, the drummer slash underwear model ingloriously went down in flames with his rock star best friend, thanks to whatever stupid shit he was babbling about that I didn’t hear.”
Zander laughs.
“Lemme get you up to speed,” I call out to Keane from my spot on the floor. “Colin didn’t say this outright, but reading between the lines, he basically said he thinks I should be rooting for Alessandra’s album to tank, so she can ‘ingloriously’ follow me around the world, whenever she wants.”
Colin scoffs. “Sure, Fish Fuck. That’s what I said.”
I sprawl onto my back on the floor and moan loudly, suddenly feeling incapable of containing the misery I’ve been hiding from my friends for the past three weeks. “I need help, fellas,” I groan. “I’m freaking out. I’ve suddenly realized the more success Ally has, the harder it’s going to be for us to line up our schedules. If she’s always touring, and I’m always touring, and our schedules are never the same, then when the hell will we ever see each other again?”
“That’s an easy one,” Dax says. “Let’s make her the opener on our next tour.”
“I’m not sure Reed would say yes to that,” I say. “And even if he would, the timing of our tour is almost certainly going to be different from hers, considering the release date of her album versus ours. Plus, would that really be the best fit for Alessandra’s career? I don’t want to fuck her over, just because I want my girlfriend with me at all times.”
“It’d hardly be fucking her over, Fish,” Colin says.
Keane agrees. “Sorry if this is a stupid question, but wouldn’t it be an amazing thing for any new artist to open for a powerhouse like 22 Goats?”
“I shouldn’t have said it’d ‘fuck her over,’” I concede. “That was an overstatement. But I want the best for Ally. And my gut tells me she’d do better opening with someone like Laila or Aloha. Or even Fugitive Summer. They’ve got that weird, quirky vibe, just like Ally. And their venues are smaller than ours, which would fit her music best. Not to mention, she gets stage fright, guys. I don’t know if an arena tour is the best fit for her at this point. Not yet.”
“What do you mean she’s got a quirky vibe?” Dax says. “Not trying to be a dick, but when I heard her single at the music video shoot, there was nothing ‘quirky’ about it. It sounded like a straight down the middle pop song to me. A surefire hit. Don’t get me wrong. But not ‘quirky.’”
I sigh. “The song is being re-mixed, as we speak. Zeke’s gonna strip it down. Add some flavor and distortions.”
“Glad to hear it,” Dax says. “I didn’t want to say anything, because I thought Alessandra was happy with it, but I thought Zeke overproduced the hell out of that song. Alessandra isn’t fucking Britney Spears.”
I sigh loudly. “I know. I didn’t speak up, either, for the same reason. And Alessandra was too green to realize she needs to be the captain of the ship, not a fucking