So fucking important. I cradle her head against my shoulder and carry her downstairs to a cot. I put a hand on her chin and shake. “Wake the fuck up.”
She doesn’t.
I head up the stairs for the first aid kit. One. Two. Three.
Around the corner, to the dusty office. Four. Five.
Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.
Nine seconds I leave her alone, and then I stop counting. There’s work to be done if she has any hope of survival. She’s exactly where I left her, arms curled up under her chin. I pull them away and rip her shirt in two, the fabric giving way to pure rage, exposing her pretty bra and the bloody wound on her side. I spill the first aid kit onto the foot of the cot and rip out sterile gauze. I’d clean the wound but there’s too much blood. Have to stop the bleeding first. She groans when I press my big palms over the gauze and push hard.
Pressure. We need steady pressure. Her breathing is shallow, barely perceptible. And I’m only breathing through force of habit and circumstance. My habit is to keep exchanging oxygen and carbon dioxide even when I’m under enemy fire, and Holly is still alive.
For now.
More steady pressure. Her face is bone-white. The fire of her blood reaches my palms through the gauze. She needs an emergency surgical team, not battlefield first aid. I curse at the red liquid and focus my whole being on keeping what’s left of her life in her body.
If she pulls through.
It won’t just be murder. It will be treason. An electric urge moves through me and I ignore it. I can’t move her now. Can’t get her out of the country now, can’t save her unless she lives. Can’t do much of anything, except this.
I’m going to run out of gauze.
There’s nothing else in the church aside from old wool carpet. Nothing up there is going to help me. Not the old prayers whispering in the ceiling. Not the abandoned pews.
And not God, if he's even there.
Dax arrives seven agonizing minutes later, one hand on the strap of a black backpack slung over his shoulder. He assesses the situation without flinching. That's why we’re friends, me and Dax. He’s seen the darkest shit this world has to offer, including a beautiful woman dying.
He drops the backpack to the cool stone floor. “Sitrep?”
“A single gunshot wound. One entry. One exit. I think it hit—” My throat clenches hard. A tiny piece of steel polymer ripped through her internal organs at a speed of two thousand feet per second. The fact that it went clean through is a good thing. It’s a question of kinetic energy. Of physics, but it’s not enough. “I think it hit her liver. She’s not coughing blood.”
She’s barely breathing, but I don’t say that out loud. He can see for himself.
He pulls his medical shit out of the backpack and drops things one by one in the empty spaces around Holly’s body. Holly. Not her body. She’s still inhabiting her body. It hasn’t been abandoned yet. Dax checks her pulse. It’s the neutral touch of a medical professional, and still, his fingertips against her skin make my teeth grind together. I’m like a wild animal backed into a corner. Only a matter of time before I bite.
Holly turns her head, her lips forming words that make no sound.
Dax is the one with the medical knowledge, but I’ve seen enough as a soldier. Enough to know that her odds are unknown right now. Incalculable. The bullet might as well have been a roulette ball around a wheel. It’s a goddamn gamble. People get shot through the heart and live. They got shot through the liver and die. There’s no logic to be found.
I have both palms splayed across the gauze, across Holly’s side. My hands feel inadequate for the job set in front of me. Other jobs in my life have seemed bigger. Killing my father. Burying his body. But now those things are painfully, uselessly small.
They were nothing in comparison to this.
“I can’t fix a bullet wound blind, Eli. Gonna have to move your hands.” A sharp look in my direction. “Move your goddamn hands.”
It’s urgent. I know it is. It’s a goddamn emergency. But how am I supposed to stay sane without my hands on her? Without being able to feel that she’s warm and alive?
I give myself to the count of three, then gently lift my hands away.
Dax shoulders me out