and self-reproach. Because not only had I let her down, I know she would be thinking she had let me down—and not just me, but the talking cure itself. For no therapist ever had a better shot at it than Ruth—she had years to work with someone who was damaged, yes, but so young, just a boy, and so willing to change, to get better, to heal. Yet, despite hundreds of hours of psychotherapy, talking and listening and analyzing, she was unable to save his soul.
The doorbell rang, rousing me from my thoughts. It wasn’t a common occurrence, an evening visitor, not since we moved to Surrey; I couldn’t even remember the last time we’d had friends over.
“Are you expecting someone?” I called out, but there was no reply. Kathy probably couldn’t hear me over the TV.
I went to the front door and opened it. To my surprise, it was Chief Inspector Allen. He was wrapped up in a scarf and coat, and his cheeks were flushed.
“Good evening, Mr. Faber.”
“Inspector Allen? What are you doing here?”
“I happened to be in the neighborhood and thought I’d pop in. A couple of developments I wanted to tell you about. Is now convenient?”
I hesitated. “To be honest, I’m just about to cook dinner, so—”
“This won’t take long.”
Allen smiled. He clearly wasn’t going to take no for an answer, so I stepped aside and let him enter. He looked happy to be inside. He pulled off his gloves and his coat. “It’s getting bloody cold out there. Cold enough to snow, I’d bet.” His glasses had steamed up and he took them off and wiped them with his handkerchief.
“I’m afraid it’s rather warm in here,” I said.
“Not for me. Can’t be too warm for my liking.”
“You’d get on with my wife.”
Right on cue, Kathy appeared in the hallway. She looked from me to the inspector quizzically. “What’s going on?”
“Kathy, this is Chief Inspector Allen. He’s in charge of the investigation about the patient I mentioned.”
“Good evening, Mrs. Faber.”
“Inspector Allen wants to talk to me about something. We won’t be long. Go upstairs and have your bath, and I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.” I nodded at the inspector to go into the kitchen. “After you.”
Inspector Allen glanced at Kathy again before he turned and went into the kitchen. I followed, leaving Kathy lingering in the hallway, before I heard her footsteps slowly going upstairs.
“Can I get you something to drink?”
“Thank you. That’s very kind. A cup of tea would be lovely.” I saw his eyes go to the bottle of vodka on the counter.
I smiled. “Or something stronger if you prefer?”
“No, thank you. A cup of tea suits me just fine.”
“How do you take it?”
“Strong, please. Just enough milk to color it. No sugar, I’m trying to give it up.”
As he spoke, my mind drifted—wondering what he was doing here, and if I should be nervous. His manner was so genial it was hard not to feel safe. Besides, there was nothing that could trip me up, was there?
I switched on the kettle and turned to face him.
“So, Inspector? What was it you wanted to talk to me about?”
“Well, about Mr. Martin, mainly.”
“Jean-Felix? Really?” That surprised me. “What about him?”
“Well, he came to the Grove to collect Alicia’s art materials, and we got talking about one thing and another. Interesting man, Mr. Martin. He’s planning a retrospective of Alicia’s work. He seems to think now is a good time to reevaluate her as an artist. Given all the publicity, I daresay he’s right.” Allen gave me an appraising look. “You might want to write about her, sir. I’m sure there’ll be interest in a book, or something like that.”
“I hadn’t considered it.… What exactly has Jean-Felix’s retrospective got to do with me, Inspector?”
“Well, Mr. Martin was particularly excited to see the new painting—he didn’t seem concerned that Elif defaced it. He said it added a special quality to it—I can’t remember the exact words he used—I don’t know much about art myself. Do you?”
“Not really.” I wondered how long it was going to take the inspector to get to the point, and why I was feeling increasingly uneasy.
“Anyway, Mr. Martin was admiring the picture. And he picked it up to look at it more closely, and there it was.”
“What was?”
“This.”
The inspector pulled out something from inside his jacket. I recognized it at once.
The diary.
The kettle boiled and a shriek filled the air. I switched it off and poured some boiling water into the mug. I stirred it and noticed my hand was trembling slightly.
“Oh, good. I wondered where it was.”
“Wedged in the back of the painting, in the top-left corner of the frame. It was jammed in tight.”
So that’s where she hid it, I thought. The back of the painting that I hated. The one place I didn’t look.
The inspector stroked the creased, faded black cover and smiled. He opened it and looked through the pages. “Fascinating. The arrows, the confusion.”
I nodded. “A portrait of a disturbed mind.”
Inspector Allen flicked through the pages to the end. He started reading from it aloud:
“‘… he was scared—of the sound of my voice.… He grabbed my wrist and stuck a needle in my vein.’”
I felt a sudden rising panic. I didn’t know those words. I hadn’t read that entry. It was the incriminating evidence I had been looking for—and it was in the wrong hands. I wanted to snatch the diary from Allen and tear out the pages—but I couldn’t move. I was trapped. I started stammering—
“I—I really think it’s better if I—”
I spoke too nervously, and he heard the fear in my voice. “Yes?”
“Nothing.”
I made no further attempt to stop him. Any action I took would be viewed as incriminating anyway. There was no way out. And the strangest thing is, I felt relieved.
“You know, I don’t believe you happened to be in my neighborhood at all, Inspector.” I handed him his tea.
“Ah. No, you’re quite right. I thought it best not to announce the intention of my visit on the doorstep. But the fact is, this puts things in rather a different light.”
“I’m curious to hear it,” I heard myself saying. “Will you read it aloud?”
“Very well.”
I felt strangely calm as I sat in the chair by the window.
He cleared his throat and began. “‘Theo just left. I am alone. I’m writing this as fast as I can.…’”
As I listened, I looked up at the white clouds drifting past. Finally, they had opened—it had started to snow—snowflakes were falling outside. I opened the window and reached out my hand. I caught a snowflake. I watched it disappear, vanish from my fingertip. I smiled.
And I went to catch another one.