at Alice’s address with keys and a copy of the lease she had signed. The emotional roller coaster of the past day seemed to slow with this news. It felt like they might have a real lead.
Gretchen said, “I think when we get back, you should talk to Needle again.”
Josie’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. “I’m not asking Needle who Vera’s supplier was. I’m not doing him any favors.”
“Boss,” Gretchen said. “It’s the fastest way to get the information.”
“By asking the district attorney to go easy on him? Gretchen, he’s a career criminal.”
“Yes, he is, but he’s also a non-violent offender. His rap sheet up until this past week was made up entirely of drug offenses.”
“What are you saying?”
Gretchen sighed. “I’m saying that if you just talk to the DA and ask them to consider a reduced charge in exchange for information on a current murder case, and they agree to it, it’s not like you’re endangering the public—not in the sense that he might go out and assault or murder someone.”
Josie took one hand from the steering wheel to wipe sweat from her brow, only to discover that it was trembling. Was this one of those times when she wasn’t thinking clinically enough? she wondered. The road they were traveling down was blocked where flooding had inundated it. Josie pulled up to the “Road Closed” sign and stopped, her foot pressing hard against the brake. When she spoke, her voice shook. She stopped and tried again, attempting to steady it. “My whole life that man stood by and did nothing while terrible things happened to me. No, not happened to me—were perpetrated against me. Violent things. Unspeakable things. Yes, he intervened a couple of times when things were very bad, but he left me there. He left me there with—with a crazy woman. He gave her the drugs that made her… made her…” The words seemed to get hung up in her throat. A sob threatened, making her shoulders quake. Gretchen touched Josie’s shoulder.
“Boss,” she said softly. “It’s okay.”
Tears stung Josie’s eyes. What the hell was wrong with her? Why was she crying all the time now? She understood her feelings about Vera Urban’s death. She’d tried and failed to save the woman. That warranted tears, although even those tears were anathema to Josie’s career-long professionalism. But she didn’t cry over just anything like this. Certainly not over things that had happened decades ago. Things she couldn’t change. She tried to push it all down the way she always did, but it wasn’t working.
Gretchen reached between them and put the gear shift in park. “Let’s take a minute,” she suggested.
Josie shook her head. Her whole body quaked. She opened her mouth, willing the words “I’m fine” to come out but instead, different words came out, high and squeaky. “Lila tried to cut my face off! She tried to cut my face off. She was crazy, and he supplied her with everything she asked for, even when she didn’t have any damn money, and it didn’t matter to him or to anyone else what she did to me. He’s not—he’s not—”
“Boss.”
“He’s not a good person!”
Once the last words were out, Josie felt like she might crumble. She sank back into her seat, hands in her lap. Suddenly, she felt light, as though she weighed nothing. Everything around her began to spin. Gray crept in around the edges of her vision. Gretchen tapped her shoulder. “Boss,” she said again. “Look at me.”
Josie stared into her brown eyes.
“Focus on my voice,” Gretchen said.
Josie nodded. That was easy. She listened as Gretchen spoke in a calm and even tone. Normal, matter-of-fact. Not pitying. Not sympathetic to the point of being saccharine. Not patronizing. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” said Gretchen. “We’ll get around this. We’ll find another way to get the name we need. You know where the usual suspects hang out. We’ll go and talk to them. There might be someone else besides Needle who knows who Vera’s supplier was.”
The more Gretchen spoke, the clearer Josie’s vision became. Her breathing returned to normal. The heaviness returned to her body. She could feel a flush creeping from her collar to the roots of her hair. She nodded. “Okay, yes,” she said. “Yes. Let’s do that.”
Gretchen waited a few more moments for Josie’s full composure to return.
Josie looked straight ahead. Then she whispered, “What just happened to me?”
Gretchen said, “You can only push trauma down for so