is not that callous. It is for the child you bear.”
“But that’s not my fault!”
“You must take responsibility for the actions of your body, whether you feel you deserve it or not. Only God knows what you do and don’t deserve.”
“But I don’t want to burn forever,” Mary sobbed.
“There is a way,” Saint Jude said.
“Prayer?”
“Listen closely, my child. You are correct that your sins are merely venial. But without a Purgatory to purify your soul they bind you like chains and trap you in Hell forever. However, an act of contrition might allow you to ascend to Heaven.”
“What is it?” Sister Mary asked. “I’ll do anything to come to Heaven.”
“Listen carefully. You must find the one who has done you the most wrong in this life, the one who has most sinned against you, and you must forgive them. Your forgiveness must be pure, it must be true, it must be without qualification or reservation. And when you have done that your chains will fall away and you will ascend into Heaven to dwell in the presence of the Lord forever.”
“The one who has most sinned against me?” Sister Mary repeated.
“Do you know who I mean?” Saint Jude asked.
“I think I do.”
“You must be sure,” he said. “Look into your heart. Do you know who has most sinned against you?”
“Yes,” she said.
“Then find them and forgive them, my child,” he said. “This forgiveness is your key to the kingdom of Heaven.”
“You know how He feels about Creation,” Satan said. “He hates to interfere. He’ll never let you take over Hell before the Ultimate Death Match, not against my will.”
“Perhaps not,” Michael said. “But surely you see the wisdom of what we suggest.”
“No,” Satan said. “It’s the opposite of wisdom. It’s stupid.”
“In the coming days, Lucifer,” Metatron said. “We will try to understand the pain inside your heart that causes you to speak in a manner that is hurtful to both yourself and to others.”
“Shut up,” Satan said.
“So be it,” Michael replied. “You will remain the sole sovereign of Hell for the next eleven days, until the Ultimate Death Match takes place. And when you are defeated there, or when you forfeit, it will be a time of great sadness because you will have made the transition more difficult and traumatic than it need be, both for yourself and for the souls in your care. The Creator will not look kindly on your stubbornness.”
“I’ll write him an apology note,” Satan said.
“At least think about the uniforms,” Gabriel said.
“Get stuffed,” said Satan.
“Gabriel, escort the Fallen One and his lump of mortal clay to the elevators,” Michael commanded.
“Gladly, your eminence,” Gabriel said, bowing low to Michael.
“Hey,” Barachiel said as Satan stood up. “Lucifer? These other wing flappers may want everything to go smoothly but you know what? I hope you give us trouble. I hope you try to fight back. Because I’m a certified instructor in pain and suffering and I think it’s time you and me had a little one-on-one private tutoring session.”
He gave a smug, self-satisfied smirk and Satan tried desperately to think of a clever comeback. But he couldn’t. So he left.
He stopped to collect a distracted Sister Mary from the reception area and then Gabriel loaded she and Satan back onto the electric cart and they whizzed back to the lobby.
“Still sulking?” Gabriel asked Satan.
“You’ve been behind this all along, haven’t you?” Satan said. “It’s that ‘I’d rather be a king in Hell than serve in Heaven’ thing?”
“I’m merely a servant of The Creator’s will,” Gabriel said. “You’re the one who let things get embarrassing down there. You left us with no choice but to annex Hell.”
“It’s not going to happen.”
“The only decision you can make is whether it’ll happen the hard way or the easy way.”
“Hard way,” Satan said.
“I know you’re all into fighting the Creator’s will and rebelling and not going along with the plan, but you need to grow up. You may be as ageless as the rest of us but you’ve got the emotional maturity of a hyperactive four-year-old. He’s turned a blind eye to the mess you’ve made, but no more. Fires going out? Death going missing? Dead people backed up on Earth waiting to die? You haven’t designed a new torment in almost two thousand years.”
“I keep trying,” Satan said. “But I have to take care of every single thing every single minute of every single day and so I don’t have a lot of time to lie on my back in a