“Deep Insecurity,” Satan said. The assembled angels tittered. “Don’t underestimate Deep Insecurity. He can destroy anyone. Just ask Richard Nixon.”
“Take it as a given then that we will prevail in the Ultimate Death Match,” Michael said.
“No, don’t take it as a given. No one prevails until the match actually takes place and someone has won or lost.”
“Lucifer, why must you always choose the more difficult road,” Michael sighed. “I appeal to your reason: there is no possibility of Hell winning the Ultimate Death Match this year. It is nothing more than a formality at this point. After you forfeit, we will be assuming control of Hell and making it a division of Heaven. So, in order to provide for a seamless handover, we would like to implement transitional changes now.”
“No,” Satan said.
“You are not being asked,” Michael said. “You are being told. Gabriel?”
“Thanks, M. Renovating Hell is a big job. We’ve had a planning committee wrestling with the issues for a few years and their answer: complete overhaul. First off, the look. If you don’t look good you don’t feel good and if you don’t feel good how can you do good work? Our answer? A uniform.”
“Like Catholic school,” Metatron said. “A uniform brings calmness to one’s mind and a sense of belonging to a cause greater than oneself. It instills loyalty and a sense of responsibility in all who wear it. A uniform is a sign of stability.”
Gabriel brought up a PowerPoint presentation on the screen. The first slide showed a uniform that looked like a bad cartoonist’s idea of the devil. It was a little red bodystocking with a red cape, a hood with tiny horns and a wee little pitchfork.
“They look good, they reinforce team spirit and they send a strong message,” Gabriel said. “They say, ‘I’m a little devil!’ I think we’ll get greater efficiency out of our team members if they feel like they’re on the same side. I’m excited about these.”
“We’ll be laughing stocks,” Satan said.
“Great change always brings great trepidation,” Michael said. “But it is time for Hell to evolve. Hell will become a place of healing.”
“Hell isn’t a place of healing. Hell is a place of eternal damnation!”
“You feel at sea with this, and we understand. That’s why Gabriel is descending into the underworld to start instituting the new policy. He’ll be working very closely with you.”
“What?”
“Don’t think of him as your boss, think of him as your partner who makes all the decisions,” Michael said.
“Absolutely not,” Satan said.
“Lucifer, be reasonable – ”
“No!!!” Satan slammed his palms down on the table and stood up. The archangels instinctively recoiled.
“I am Satan, Prince of the Underworld,” Satan said. “And until such a time as the Creator himself sees fit to remove me from my position, or until you bunch of sanctimonious halo-polishing brownnosers beat us at the Ultimate Death Match, I do not have to tolerate any incursions into my sphere. My affairs are my business, not yours.”
“We merely want to make the inevitable handover as smooth as possible,” Michael said.
“I’ve never done anything smoothly,” Satan said.
“Here we go again,” Barachiel said. “Blah, blah, blah.”
“There are a lot of other slides,” Gabriel said. “Don’t you think you should see them before you freak out?”
Sister Mary felt lighter now that she had unburdened herself to Saint Jude. He was a saint. He would tell her what to do
“I can understand you fear and confusion,” Saint Jude said.
“What do I do?” Sister Mary asked. “He’s lying to me, isn’t he? Heaven is a good place, right?”
“Sister,” Saint Jude said. “I cannot tell you what is true and what is false. That is for your heart to decide. But I can tell you one thing that is true: your soul is in great peril. Consider your choices carefully, for danger surrounds you on all sides.”
“Please, tell me what to do.”
“I cannot tell you what to do. That is not the duty of the saints. We provide guidance, a light by which you can navigate the stormy seas of life. We are lighthouses for the faithful, not road maps.”
“But you are a saint and I am only human. I’m not really going to Hell, am I?”
“It saddens me to say this, but yes, my child. You will burn in eternal hellfire.”
Sister Mary dissolved into tears. Her worst fears were confirmed. Her soul was damned.
“Is it for the atheism?” she asked. “It’s only a venial sin and I regret it so much. I can repent.”