meadow and stare up at the clouds and dream up new torments. Some of us don’t have a bunch of assistants and slave labor to make it all go easy.”
“Touchy, touchy,” Gabriel said. “Why don’t you go on vacation and let me take over early? It’ll earn you some goodwill up here.”
The electric cart purred to a stop in the lobby. Satan stalked over to the elevators but somehow, no matter how quickly he walked, Gabriel was always a step ahead of him. Sister Mary shuffled along glumly in their wake.
“You don’t have a wing to flap with,” Satan said. “You’ve had me running in circles but you haven’t won the Ultimate Death Match yet. And if you don’t, all your plans go up in smoke.”
Gabriel pushed the call button.
“Who’s going to wrestle for you? Her.”
He indicated Mary Renfro who was lost in her own world.
“Oh, we’ve got someone,” Satan said. “I think you’ll be surprised. I’m the Prince of Lies – a secret wrestler would be just my style.”
“You’re bluffing.”
“Maybe. But what if I’m not? Besides, you’ve left a chink in your plan and when you’re dealing with me a chink is all I need.”
“What chink?”
“If they don’t serve me the subpoena, I don’t go to court. And if I don’t go to court how am I embarrassing Heaven? And if I’m not embarrassing Heaven, then why would you need to take over Hell?”
The elevator doors dinged open. A heavy-set black woman stepped out. In her hand was a clipboard. She looked at it and then looked at Satan.
“I’ve got a winning lottery ticket here for one Mr. Satan. Do you have any ID?”
Satan smirked at Gabriel.
“Looks like my luck is turning around.”
He turned back to the woman.
“I don’t carry ID.”
“But are you Lucifer, Father of Lies, also known as Satan, Beelzebub, the Horned Goat, Lord of Darkness, God of the Pit, Leviathan, Pluto, Azmodeus, Servant of Evil, the Fallen Angel, and Baphomet?”
“That’s what they say.”
“Then consider yourself served,” she said and with a flourish she handed Satan a subpoena. “Sign here, and here’s your receipt.”
She got back on the elevator and the doors rolled shut. Satan stared at the subpoena in his hand.
“Oh, tough luck,” Gabriel said. “I wonder how that happened? Have a nice ride.”
He herded the stunned Satan and the distracted Sister Mary into another elevator, then he lowered his voice and pointed at Mary behind his hand.
“And by the way,” he stage whispered. “You really need to kill her before you really piss everyone off. Buh-bye.”
The last thing they saw as the doors closed was Gabriel waggling his fingers at them and giving a great, big corn-eating grin.
The ride back down to Earth was as long and boring as the ride up and, despite the hatred Sister Mary felt for Satan, boredom has a way of breaking down barriers. After a while, she had to ask:
“What’s that for?”
She was pointing at the subpoena.
“Nothing.”
“It didn’t look like nothing to me.”
“It’s stupid, okay? It’s that woman suing me because she says that I had sex with her when she was in one of those dumb Me Worshipping cults.”
“Satan worshipping? She was one of your minions?”
“I don’t have minions and I try to have as little to do with those cults as I can. Have you seen the kind of people who join up?”
“But did you have sex with her?”
“It was the Eighties. Everyone was on coke. She probably went to an Ozzy Osbourne show or something and got confused.”
“You’re disgusting.”
Satan had had enough.
“I’m disgusting? Is that the best you can do? Really? According to you, I’m the Antichrist, the guy who gave birth to Hitler, designed the nuclear missile, invented serial killers, started all those earthquakes in China, caused 9/11 and made the Middle East volatile. Cancer is all my fault, alcoholism is my favorite party trick and I’m the source of all your problems, and the best you can come up with is that I’m disgusting? You can do better than that. Come on. I’m waiting. Let me have it.”
Sister Mary loathed the Devil with every atom of her being, but right now they were in an elevator together and he looked human and it was hard to keep her rage stoked to a roaring blaze.
“Are you really going to kill me?” she asked.
“No,” Satan said. “I don’t think so. I’m outgunned here and I need every advantage I can get. So if everyone in Heaven wants you dead, then it’s in my best interests to