in everything – in the wall-to-wall carpeting, in the indirect lighting, in the piped-in Muzak. She was glowing with his reflected glory. A few minutes later she was merely glittering. More time passed and she was down to a feeble flicker. Finally, she was just plain bored.
“Here,” Satan said, handing her a glossy brochure. “I grabbed you something to read.”
Mary took it from him, careful not to touch his flesh. It was a full color pamphlet with stock photos of smiling men and women on the cover. On the back, a small child and a panda bear played checkers. She had the feeling that this photo had been heavily retouched. She opened the pamphlet. It was a complicated list of pricing options with monthly fees laid out on one side of the page and membership rankings on the other.
“Demi-Blessed: all your desires catered to,” the first one read. Then, “Blessed: most of your desires catered to. Semi-Blessed: some of your desires catered to. Lucky To Be Here: fifteen desires per month catered to as long as they don’t involve felonies.”
At the bottom of the page was fine print that read, “Terms and conditions vary. In some situations, certain restrictions may apply.”
“I don’t understand...” Sister Mary said. “This isn’t for Heaven. This is for a vacation resort.”
“Those rates are how Heaven’s stayed so profitable all these years,” Satan said. “I can’t charge anything because who wants to come to Hell? Everyone wants to go to Heaven. In a market driven economy they hold all the cards.”
She was reading more of the fine print now.
“But they’ve got credit unions? And banks?”
“And did you see those high interest rates? We used to have a special part of Hell reserved for usurers, but the Heavenly Host redrafted those rules a long time ago. It’s all about money up there. You can’t take it with you, but those who do find it a lot easier.”
“But ‘Blessed are the Meek’,” Sister Mary said. “‘Store you up not treasures on Earth.’ The poor are welcome in Heaven. Aren’t they?”
“Sure they’re welcome,” Satan said. “Someone’s got to vacuum all those carpets and wash all those windows. There’s a Work-Stay Program. Those who do store up treasures on Earth have all their desires catered to in a tiered set of memberships, while the meek get to clean their houses, polish their silver, and feed their sex unicorns. Anyone you see in Heaven wearing a brown tunic is there on Work-Stay: the meek, the poor, the ugly, the short-range planners, the children who didn't make it to Sunday School every week. They should have said, ‘Blessed are the meek, for they shall be the janitors of eternity.’ I’d say about seventy percent of the people in Heaven are on Work-Stay. Do you have any gum.”
“Please,” Sister Mary said. “I’m having a moment.”
“Oh, sure,” Satan said. “Don’t let me bother you.”
And the elevator descended.
Down.
Down.
Down.
When the doors dinged open at the bottom they could hear a phone ringing in Quiznos. They emerged into the fast food franchise and Team Member Carson was waiting for them with the receiver in one hand.
“It’s for you,” she mumbled in a voice that said: “I know it’s not for me. I never expected it to be for me. All my life, the phone has never been for me. It’s always ringing for my sister, or my boyfriend, or my son, or my mom. I’ve long since given up on thinking that one day the phone will ring and the person on the other end will actually have any interest whatsoever in talking to me, because all my life it’s been other people who are more interesting, or smarter, or funnier, or better looking and they’re the ones people want to talk to. All I’ve got to show for my time on Earth is my tiny life, and my pathetic savings, and the few things that I actually still enjoy, like pizza. And this, today, is just one more time when the phone is ringing and it’s not ringing for me.”
It was completely wasted on Satan. He was oblivious to things like tone.
“Hello,” he said.
“You need to come to Heaven right away,” Gabriel said on the other end of the line. “It’s not even a little bit funny how fast you need to get up here.”
“I was just there.”
“I don’t care. You didn’t do what I told you to do and now there are repercussions.”
“You mean the nun? Why are you guys so bent out of shape