with her. She may as well make herself at home. She could feel him watching, felt every glance he made as she darted to his island, pulling out a tumbler and what was left of the only decent thing he had to drink: whiskey in a squat bottle. She offered it to him, but he waved her off, giving her a “by all means” gesture before she poured herself a shot.
The liquid courage helped, the warmth from the whiskey coating her throat and stomach until some of her anxiety eased. She had the cushion of the island to act as some pretend barrier between them, something, at least that Gia could hide behind until she found the full weight of her courage again.
“The thing is,” she said after taking her second sip, still not quite able to look at him directly. “You and Joe…you were right.” She downed the last of the whiskey, but still held the tumbler. “I…I think I was looking for a replacement…for Luka.”
Kai didn’t guard his expression. Instead, he watched her, let her see his disappointment, then his sadness before he turned to look out of the balcony.
“The other day, Kona brought me…to see Luka.”
Kai jerked his head back in her direction, the whip of the movement so quick that if the moment hadn’t been so somber, it might have been funny. Still, he didn’t speak.
“I’d never been to his grave. Not once. Never went to his funeral. I’d…never said goodbye.” Gia put the tumbler on the island and rubbed her hands together, inhaling again because she needed to calm herself. “Kona told me when he lost Luka, he had no one either. We…both lost everything that night. But he learned how to move on. He learned that letting himself love people again, like his kids, like Keira, was how he got over losing Lu.”
Kai’s eyes were softer now, but he bit the inside of his bottom lip, like there was something he wanted to say but knew it wasn’t the right time.
“But I…I never learned to do that. I never wanted to risk it.” Gia moved around the island, keeping her distance from Kai, fighting the urge she had to stand close to him, to touch him. She was scared it had been too long.
Outside of the window, she spotted two ships passing each other on the river, their movements constant, steady, shifting the waves wider and wider as they moved farther away from each other in opposite directions.
“I spent the last twenty years pretending that what I had with men I didn’t love was enough for me. And…I gave them…nothing.” Gia lowered her gaze, head shaking as she thought about all those pictures, those beautiful smiles, those athletic bodies all inked, all cut and shaped perfectly. They weren’t him, none of them.
“I gave them parts of myself, parts that meant nothing to no one, not even me. Parts that weren’t real. The rest I kept hidden.”
Behind her, Gia heard Kai move, his feet on the carpet and the bristle of his jeans as he stood behind her. “And what did you give me?”
“Glimpses no one else got. Something…in between, I think.” She turned, hating the look on his face, hating that he wouldn’t smile, that there was nothing she could say that would change things between them. “But you made me forget I was pretending.”
“Don’t…”
“I’m sorry,” she said, hurrying to apologize when he stepped away from her. He was nearly to his room and a wild desperation crawled into Gia’s chest. She wanted him to stop. She wanted him to know she was ready to change. She wanted to live now. “Kai…I…I love you too.”
Gia wasn’t sure he would stop. He took three more steps before her confession seemed to register. When it did, it hit seemed to him like a lightning bolt. Looking half amazed, half pissed off, Kai turned, dropping his mouth open like he had a few well-chosen curses to level at her. But Gia met him in the center of the room, grabbing his face, pulling it down to bring his mouth to hers before he made a sound.
“I mean it,” she said against his lips. “I swear I mean it.”
“Don’t you dare say that if…” Kai resisted her for a few seconds, seeming to fight against pushing her away and pulling her close. Gia felt the conflict. She felt the instinct he tried to ignore when she rested her forehead against his.