normal young woman, who makes candles and has a crush on a guy. And makes friends, and maybe forms a romantic relationship, and starts a business, and… doesn’t have the urge to kill people. Doesn’t have nightmares about it. Right?”
I blew out a little sigh, then nodded. “Right. I guess all that would be fine.”
“Okay, so… you’ve gotta move on that. You’ve gotta step into the role of a woman who does those things, not one who watches others make them happen. Don’t think about – do it. Be that girl until you are that girl.”
“That feels like cheating.”
“Who gives a fuck?” Alicia scoffed. “Obviously, you’re going to do whatever you want – I’m just offering my advice. I’m not your handler, Tempest – I’m your friend. It’s been over a year, and yes, you’ve made some strides – I don’t wanna discount that. But if you’re telling me that’s not enough for you, that you want more, that you’re tired of just… existing? You’re going to have to change something.”
“How?” I asked, shaking my head. “I hear what you’re saying, but… how? Every conversation is so awkward, and stunted, and I know the people around here think I’m some weirdo.”
“I doubt it,” Alicia laughed. “I’m sure it feels exaggerated to you, but… you were a Rose. Does that have to define you? No, of course not. But you don’t have to act like your past didn’t leave you with a certain skillset – one of them being the ability to improvise, and talk your way through a situation. You can walk into any room and adapt. You can have a conversation with anyone. Don’t be so consumed with becoming someone new that you feel like you have to suppress even the good parts of who you already were.”
“Okay mom.”
Again, she laughed, not bothered by my dry tone because she knew – like I did – that she was probably right.
I’d spent the better part of a year drifting until, through mutual contacts, I heard that Alicia was looking to connect with any “stray” Roses who needed a place to land. And even after that, I hesitated to reach out, unsure if I could trust her, or anyone.
It took a while for me to come to the realization that… I kinda had nothing to lose.
I didn’t lose though.
Even with all the uncertainty, it felt, to some degree, like I’d won.
I was free, mostly, to do what I wanted.
It was a point now of really figuring out what that was.
And… doing it.
“Dacia and Pen will be happy to know you called. They’ve been asking every other day. You do have their numbers, right?”
I sighed. “Yeah. I do.”
“Just making sure. Since I asked them both to give you space to make first contact, and… I dunno, talk? Be friends?”
I let out another sigh. “Yeah. Maybe.”
Maybe if they didn’t remind me so much of what I’m trying to get away from…
“Don’t let me pressure you,” Alicia insisted. “Just… remember that you’re not as alone as you might feel. Or rather… you don’t have to be.”
“I hear you.”
“That’s all I ask.”
We said our goodbyes from there, and I got off the phone… feeling good that I’d called. Was I going to call or text Penelope or Dacia, both of whom I’d been at the Garden with?
No.
At least, not today.
But it was comforting to be reminded that I had the option.
I spent some time cleaning, and researching more about this whole candle thing, and obsessively tracking my supply orders. Finally, once an acceptable hour for it had been reached, I donned some actual clothes and made my way across the street to the coffee house for the tea I’d taken to getting every morning.
Even though I should probably know better than to form a routine.
My lack of sleep had caught up with me, and I needed a remedy for that.
The weather was much improved over what it had been for the last week or so. The rain had finally broken, giving way to beautiful sunny weather that had people out breathing it all in – including, apparently, my neighbors.
“You must be the lil’ cute weirdo Keem was telling me about,” I heard shouted at me, as soon as I stepped from underneath the awning.
Shielding my eyes from the sun with my hand, I peered around until a raucous chuckle drew my attention upward, to the balcony above the store front next to mine, where a fair-skinned man was sitting, shirtless, cocktail in hand.
It’s not even