the first time, but before I can explore, he’s ripping off my shirt and bra. Then his lips are on me again. They’re all over me: my neck, my collarbone, my breasts. He spends a lot of time on my breasts. I weave my fingers through his hair, begging him silently to go lower. I want to feel his mouth on every part of me.
He slips a finger under the waistband of my jeans, teasing my skin before he unzips my pants. His lips blaze a trail down my abdomen, finally joining his hands as they work to shimmy my pants over my hips.
He abruptly stops kissing me and jerks away.
I look down, thinking maybe he’s removing his pants. But he’s staring at my stomach. At the scar from having my appendix out. He doesn’t look like he wants to sleep with me anymore.
He looks like he’s going to be sick.
He hops off the couch, picks up his shirt off the floor, and throws it on inside out. “I have to go.” He retrieves his phone and notebook and bolts to the door, glancing back at me like he wants to say something more, but he doesn’t.
I stare at the door after he leaves. What just happened?
I get dressed and read the last lyric I wrote, thinking how nothing has ever been truer.
Never saying what it really is you want from me.
Chapter Eighteen
Crew
Hours later, after doing a lot of soul-searching, I end up at Mom’s. I knock, the door opens, and she’s there. “Oh, sweetie, what’s wrong?”
I step inside. “Is Gary here?”
“He’s at a meeting. He’ll be home soon.” She runs a soothing hand down my arm. “You okay?”
I nod. It’s not very convincing.
“I’ll put on a pot of coffee.”
While she’s in the kitchen, I browse the pictures on the wall. Pictures of me, of the two of us together, of her and Gary’s wedding. Even one of Abby and me.
“A man who stares at a wall must have a lot on his mind,” she says, coming up behind me. She hands me a cup. “Or maybe nothing.”
We go to the kitchen table and sit. I sip coffee, stalling.
She cocks her head thoughtfully. “Does this have something to do with Bria?”
“What makes you say that?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because a month ago, when you’d sleep here a few times a week, I noticed some changes.”
“Changes?”
“You were … happy.” She smiles. “After all this time, it’s not something I expected. I’d hoped, prayed even, then it started to happen. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to jinx it. But a few weeks ago, around the time you told me about your record contract, you stopped coming to the city, and when we spoke on the phone, you seemed sad.”
“I’m not sad, Mom.”
“Okay. Confused then.”
I run a hand through my hair.
“We’ve always been able to talk, Chris. You know you can tell me anything.”
“I ran out on her.” I sink into my chair like the weasel I am. “I saw the scar, and it just reminded me of … Well, I saw it and freaked.”
“Scar?”
“Bria had her appendix out.”
She tries not to smile, but I see it anyway. She knows full well what we must have been doing for me to see a scar like that. “Is that so?” She sips her coffee, eyebrows raised.
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Can I ask you a question? Have you been with anyone else since Abby?”
I eye her like she’s crazy. I am in my mid-twenties. “Mom, it’s been seven years.”
“So the answer is yes. Surely other girls you’ve been with have had scars, Chris.”
“I don’t know. Maybe. But I didn’t notice.”
Her eyebrows shoot up again. “But you noticed with Bria. That must mean she’s important to you.” She laughs and gives me a hug. “My boy, it’s time you let yourself be happy.”
“It’s complicated, Mom. There’s more to it.”
“More to it than letting go of the past?”
“I have the band to think about.” I tell her about the addendum Jeremy made us sign.
She smiles. “So it’s even more serious than I thought.”
“Nothing is serious.”
“So you haven’t written any songs about her?”
I glance at the notebook. “I write songs about everything.”
“Everything important to you.”
I sigh and gaze out the window.
“She’d want this,” Mom says. “Abby. She’d want this for you. She loved you, Chris. If the tables were turned, would you want her to live her life drowning in the past?”
I shake my head.
“You know what you need to do?” she says. “Do what